CowShlT Inc

Budget Chinese New Year

2009-01-23T11:40:00.002+08:00

Chinese New Year 2009 is finally here amidst the world's worst economic crisis. Gone are the good old days of splurging all your bonuses, if still available this year, on new clothes and new year goodies.

However, Chinese New Year is still worth celebrating because one must always start a new year right.

CowShlt Inc gives some ideas on how we can still celebrate Chinese New Year with a smaller budget this year.....

1. Red Packets
Companies substitute stock-options as bonus during economical crisis, so can you.
"Aye... look carefully hor! Lehman Brothers told me this is worth $20000 leh....."

2. Mandarin Oranges
Just like many companies, mandarin oranges can also undergo a round of downsizing...
"Hello.... sng kum is also kum what....."

3. Pussy Willows
Catch some stray cats home, but just make sure they are females.
"Honey, i got them home! But hor.... only got pussy, no willows...."

4. New Year Decorations
You can still decorate your home with lots of red papers....
"Now where shall i paste this red SingTel bill......."

5. Reunion Dinner
Just eat something simpler loh....
"Ah kong ah ma lao peh lao bu ah hiah ah dee! Look! That pineapple tart stall got samples!!"

Wishing all Cowlings a very happy and lucky Year of Ox! Gong xi fa cai!!!

World’s Largest Ferris Wheel Agrees to Settle Compensation Issue with Trapped Visitors off Court

2009-01-05T17:55:00.000+08:00

The world’s largest ferris wheel, Fly Above International Landmark (FAIL), has agreed to take its settlement dispute with several visitors, who were trapped above-ground when the wheel was stuck, off the court.

FAIL has originally gone into court arbitration with several visitors regarding compensation issues arose when the ferris wheel stopped rotating on 23 Dec 2008. Visitors on-board were trapped in the cabins for more than 4 hours and were eventually evacuated by the Civil Defence using helipad.

“Standing by our motto of providing the best services to our customers,” explained Mr Ngeow Gwee, spokesperson of FAIL, “we decided to take the arbitration out of court to preserve the dignity of our customers. I mean, if FAIL wants to press on with the charges, how can we not succeed?”

It was understood that FAIL was seeking compensation from all trapped visitors as back payment.

“Eh…. Come on,” said Mr Ngeow, “instead of a normal 30 minutes ride on the ferris wheel, the riders got to enjoy it for a full 4 hours. That was 8 times of what they paid for! All we are seeking for is just that they back pay us another $250, which translates to 5 times the normal ride. Which means in reality, they got one hour of ride totally free! What else can those free-riders ask for?”

On a separate note, the Singapore Civil Defence Force is unclear whom to invoice the evacuation fees to.

“When we billed FAIL,” lamented Mr Zor Sai Kang, head of the civil defence force, “they pushed us to the trapped riders instead, claiming that they were the ones we serviced. When we try to get the money from the trapped riders, they told us to go fly kite instead. What the hack mann!! Take us as monkeys ah?? Call us to climb up and climb down, but when payment is due, we don’t even get peanuts!!”

“We should have taken FAIL two months later,” lamented Mr See Beh Suay, one of the trapped visitors. “What I heard is the FAIL will be providing free food and drink for all trapped visitors when it goes functional again. You know lah, in this bad economy times, every free meal will be very much appreciated. Let’s just hope that the next time I board FAIL again, it will fail again loh! But presently, I only hope FAIL will allow me to pay off the remaining $250 via installments”

“My cabin happens to be at the highest peak when FAIL stopped,” recalled Mr Dee Vote Ter. “It was my first encounter to be ever so close to God, and for a full 4 hours too! I am very grateful to FAIL for providing such a once-in-a-lifetime chance for me. Therefore, not only am I going to pay off my remaining $250 to FAIL, I will even pledge 10% of my monthly income as donation to FAIL!”

Meanwhile, the Police had ruled out foul play for the stoppage of FAIL.

“It is a fact that the ferris wheel stopped spinning due to human interference,” said Mr Chow Mah Ta, chief investigation officer for the case. “From CCTV footage, we realized that the CEO of CowShlt Inc actually boarded one of the cabin with his 7 personal assistants, nicknamed BCCCCR+Y. Their cabin started shaking vigorously soon after, resulting in an imbalance that eventually caused the failure of FAIL. It was definitely not foul play. It was actually foreplay.”

2008 Year End Review

2008-12-22T12:17:00.002+08:00

Internal Newsletter

Dear all,

Year 2008 is coming to an end with only two more weeks to go. Let’s perform a review on how the various projects we had agreed upon last December are doing.

1. To Revitalise Singapore Economy

Singapore was enjoying her best economy in 2008, until some ku-ku fengshui masters advised to reverse the direction of our money spinning Singapore Flyers.
Verdict – Money down the drain….

2. Building of NewPower Plant

SP Power increased their electrical tariff by a whooping 21%. But due to keen competition from CowShlt Inc NewPower Plant, they had quickly announced a 25% reduction from next year. Thanks to all CowShlt Inc staffs who produced so many craps in 2008, this project is an astounding success.
Verdict – Holy craps! But more shlt needed!

3. To Break into the Local Movie Industry

See what happen when an acclaimed director like Royston Tan chose to produce a lotus film instead of collaborating with CowShlt Inc to produce 1711? Flop, total flop…..
Verdict – Why not co-produce 1800-COWSHIT in 2009??

4. To Mass Market the Cure for Gay Tendency

Due to the financial crisis, most people are so well trained in covering their ass. The gays have no chance at all. Our new drug has thus no market to sell to.
Verdict – Someone’s ass need to be whipped for suggesting this project…

5. Building of Singapore Disneyland

I am sad to announce that Mickey Mouse and friends have been abducted by the Somali pirates while cruising over to Singapore. We are currently in talk with Disneyland to allow our very White Tigers to stand-in as their new mascot while negotiation with the pirates continues. We are currently in talk with Disneyland to allow our very White Tigers to stand-in as their new mascot while negotiation with the pirates continues.
Verdict – Surely those visitors can’t differentiate between 老鼠 and 老虎 right?

6. To Help Win Olympic Gold Medal in Beijing 2008

Singapore has finally ended her Olympic medal drought in Beijing 2008. To keep the tempo going, CowShlt Inc has again been tasked to help bring in more medals in London 2010. Being once a colony of England, the Olympic is seen as being help in Singapore twice consecutively.
Verdict – Gold standard

7. To Help Singapore Government Connect with the Youths

The facts speaks for itself…..
Verdict – No need to grade anymore, friend friend already lah…..

8. To Develop Singapore as the Region's Protest Hub

Singapore has setup its first Protest Corner in Hong Lim Park. However, the participants are still… should I say… way behind our Thai counterparts.
Verdict – We’ve done our part. Maybe some oversea studies in Thailand is necessary…

CowShlt Inc Bans All Staffs from Practicing YOGA

2008-11-25T11:37:00.002+08:00

Staffs from CowShlt Inc are apparently furious over a recent ban from the top management on them practicing YOGA. The reason for banning this practice was apparently that it will erode the faith of CowShlt Inc adopted belief, Crapsology.

“All staffs in CowShlt Inc must fully devote themselves to Crapsology, and Crapslogy only,” declared Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “Crapsology is an ideology founded by the great Holy Crap. We had been practicing it ever since CowShlt Inc was formed. For that, it is reason enough to ban our staffs from coming into contact with any other beliefs”

It was understood that the belief, You’re Only Getting Advanced, or YOGA in short, was founded by an Indian guru thousands of years ago, but was getting increasingly popular especially among the young and educated. Practitioners of this ancient art make use of emerging technologies and slogans shouting to increase their self-beliefs.

“I used to think getting to work was all craps,” said Mr Seh Kor, “until I started practicing YOGA. YOGA taught me how to spread my workload using advanced technology. Now, with emails reaching me 24 hours a day, my entire life is craps. Getting to work became a much happier event!”

“I used to be a person without any passion for my job,” confessed Ms Jiak Zhua, “until YOGA pointed me to the correct direction. I start my day in the office by shouting the YOGA slogan ‘I love my job!’ multiple times. And I’m sure you had heard it before. A lie, when told multiple times, can be perceived as reality. So although I am practically still doing nothing in office now, I have embraced the idea that I actually love such a job!”

“It’s not a matter of whether the belief promotes good or bad,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “Crapsology doesn’t work this way. YOGA tries to impose logic on whatever it preaches, and logic is something Crapsology absolutely oppose to. Don’t ask me the logic behind such crap logic as it is the Crapsology logic to not have any logic!”

On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai revealed that CowShlt Inc is presently reviewing on whether to grant access to Taiwanese heartthrob Yoga Lin to perform at CowShlt Inc annual Dinner & Dance.

Zoo Still Undecided on Action to Take to Prevent Future Mauling by Tigers

2008-11-18T12:47:00.000+08:00

Few days after the mauling of a contract worker by the white tigers, the Singapore Zoo is still undecided on what action it can take to prevent future incidents from happening.

“Tentatively,” said Mr Gore Rileer, “we will usher all visitors into a steel cage the moment they come to the Zoo. Instead of letting people walk all over the Zoo, potentially falling into the Tiger Enclosure, we will let the animals come visit the humans in cage instead. We hereby urge all visitors not to accept any bananas offered to them by our animals.”

The general public has also generously offered suggestions on the possible actions Singapore Zoo can take.

“In western medical terms,” explained Dr Tok Cai Tau, “we treat symptoms by symptoms. The tigers like to bite right? Then just remove the cause! Extract all the teeth of the tigers will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, Singaporeans are always known as toothless tigers who, when talk sibei kiang, but when action needed, all don’t know run where!”

“The Zoo should start identifying potential danger zones,” suggested Mr Yee Arh Pee. “Once the Zoo did that, then it can start imposing electronic charges on the visitors who still choose to visit the dangerous sites. During peak hours when the zookeepers are busiest, the electronic charges should also be the highest. This will force all visitors to plan their routes and only visit those non dangerous exhibits.”

“Long long time ago when the Zoo only has yellow tigers,” recalled Mr Geh Ang Moh, “such incidents never happened. But then the Zoo decided to import all this white tigers, raving how precious they are and how they can save the plunging economy. See what happens? Those white tigers snatched away all the jobs from the local tigers and worse still, bit the hands that feed them!”

“The tigers have no fault at all,” claims Ms M. O. Yee. “The fault lies with the Zoo allowing all tom, dick and harry to get near those sacred beings. I suggest the Zoo to conduct entrance test for all visitors and stream them accordingly into EM1, EM2 and EM3. Ferry the elite EM1 visitors on a through train that brings them directly to the white tigers enclosure. Let the ordinary EM2 visitors walk all the way there, so that they will be too tired to climb over the fence when they reach. As for those EM3 visitors who do not even know that ‘I Not Stupid’ is structurally wrong, we should restrict them to visiting rabbits!”

“Instead of punishing the tigers for what it did wrong,” explores Ms Hoe Lis Tick, “why not reward them for doing what’s right? Instead of using the stick as always, why not offer the carrot instead? Huh? Yes, I know tigers are carnivorous animal and don’t eat carrots. What I mean is we can encourage them to behave better by offering some rewards right? Like, maybe some sort of monetary payout? All we need is to push them to work harder and generate more revenues for the Zoo, then take some cash from their left pockets and stuff them into their right.”

“I want to offer the Zoo a win-win-win solution!” declares Mr An Ler Sze. “Legalise tiger mauling as a form of euthanasia! In this way, the person who wants to die still gets to die. The Zoo gets an extra visitor, and the tigers get an extra meal!”

Anybody with other suggestions are welcome to contact the Singapore Zoo directly. Person with the best suggestion will win an all expenses paid 3 days 2 nights stay at the Singapore Zoo White Tiger Enclosure.

CowShlt Inc Offers Expatriate Contract to White Tiger

2008-11-14T12:58:00.002+08:00

The industry was reeling with shock after the sudden announcement from Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, that his company has offered Mr White Tiger, an armature assassin, the top benefits of an expatriate contract.

“White Tiger helms a proven track record of mauling and was the pivotal player in successfully producing the first killing in our child company, the Singapore Zoological Garden,” said Mr Gu Sai. “Once again White Tiger has proven that foreign talents do the job better than locals. Just look at him! He’s white! What else needs to be said?”

While many people have casted doubts over Mr White Tiger’s capabilities by just one kill, Mr Gu Sai is confident of his judgment.

“ScoobyDaddy works in the zoo,” explained My Gu Sai, “and it was a well known fact that he constantly makes passes at my Personal Assistant, Ms CowBoo. So I arranged for ScoobyDaddy to perform a role play of 武松打虎 to entertain our crowd yesterday. It was then whereby White Tiger stroke and got the kill precisely.”

It was unknown to Mr Gu Sai that the actual staff who went into the tigers den was not ScoobyDaddy himself, but just a stand-in, Mr Carl la Fare.

“Damn heng ah!” blurted out Mr ScoobyDaddy. “Just before the show I decided to snack on our CEO’s favourite food – sugar coated sor ta biah with Chinese tea. After eating that, I lao sai until I cannot walk. So without any choice, I got Carl to stand-in for me and covered his face with a pail to prevent Mr Gu Sai from recognizing him. But ends up, he became my scapegoat! So it was really me who 送羊入虎口!!”

CowShlt Inc Staffs Brace Themselves for Inter-departmental Halloween Bash

2008-10-31T10:28:00.002+08:00

The entire premises of CowShlt Inc have been buzzing with last minute touch-ups for their Halloween bash tonight.

“This is going to be the greatest party of the century!” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “This Halloween party not only allows all staffs to let their hair down - literally, but also promotes cohesiveness among all departments!”

It is understood that each department in CowShlt Inc is to dress up their manager as a Halloween figure that will “scare the hell out of themselves”.

“By making them become what they are most afraid of," explains Mr Gu Sai, "I am actually helping them combat their greatest fear. As a prime example myself, I will be dressing up as a 12-inch Subway’s sandwich, being kar-char into halves, with the white mayonnaise flowing out constantly without control!”

“I am very confident of being the most frightful figure tonight,” beams Mr Saab Prime, the Finance Department Manager. “My deputy and I will be dressed as the Lehman Brothers while all my staffs will harass staffs from other departments into buying high risk investment scheme disguise as fixed deposit product. Hell! I even have props! Look at this stock market chart and my downward pointing arrow! Do they send a chill down your spine?”

“Cutting operating cost has always been our core objective,” says Mr Kee Gei Leow, the Maintenance Department Manager. “With this thought in mind, we are using only recycled materials as props. My staffs have kindly donated many of their children’s angpow packets to dress me into a giant red colour SP Power bill. And you know what will strike the most fear? Look at this statement printed in bold – 21% INCREASE FROM OCTOBER 2008. Ask you scare or not!”

“I have enough reasons to believe my dress up is the most elaborate,” says Mr Peh En Paye, the Delivery Department Manager. “I will be totally wrapped in sheetmetal with a electronic display board. And to fit into this costume, I have to bend myself over, resulting in such a vulnerable position. Then my staffs who are dressed in white will come and screw me from behind, but all I can say is Beep Beep Beep! You guessed it right! I’m dressed as the f***ing ERP gantry!”

“Sadly to say,” sighs Ms Lee Trenchman, the Human Resource Department Manager, “I will be transformed into the most hideous creature on Earth tonight. Most people see HR staffs as people who just dress up nicely and forever having tea breaks. To counter this misconception, I will be as ugly as possible and hand out free snacks for all tonight instead. The snack will be what I’m dressed as – fried cuttlefish.”

And as usual, the seven Personal Assistants of Mr Gu Sai are putting up an united front for the bash. “We sisters are so alike to the extent of even having the same fear,” echo BCCCCR+Y in unison. “Our dress up for tonight’s Halloween bash is extremely simple. Just a simple uniformed colour gown with two pink stripes across our slim waists. What are we? We are a pregnancy test kit tested positive!”

CowShlt Inc Launches All Inclusive Wedding Preparation Course

2008-10-22T14:06:00.001+08:00

The market is abuzz today with the launch of a totally new wedding preparation course by the world renowned CowShlt Inc, the One-stop Nuptial Study (ONS).

“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”

It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.

1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy

To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.

“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”

2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs

From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.

“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”

3. How to Do Housework with Charm

Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.

“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”

4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!

What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.

“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”

5. A Legal Approach to the Big D

Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.

“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”

6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony

Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?

“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”

“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”

Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.

CowShlt Inc CEO Allows Foreign Employees to Use Common Toilets in Level 3

2008-10-21T12:23:00.000+08:00

Despite many protest from the white collared workers in CowShlt Inc, its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, has given the green light for foreign employees working on Level 2 and below to use the common toilets situated at Level 3.

CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.

With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.

“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”

“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”

“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”

To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.

“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”

When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”

On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.

Ministry of Health Appoints Former NKF CEO as Head of HOSEI

2008-07-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

The Ministry of Health announced yesterday that former CEO of NKF, Mr Boh Liang Xim, has been appointed as the head of Human Organ Sales Ethic Investigation (HOSEI) to study the possibility of legalising trade of human organs.

"Me smart right?" mused Mr Moore Rer, Minister of Health. "At first i said i'm totally against organ trading as it is simply immoral. After a few days, i expressed that we should remain open to that possibility. In this way, i managed to secure the votes from both the moral-driven and choice-driven camps. And damn! By changing my mind so fast, i even brought myself closer to those fence-sitting voters! I expect to win my next election by 100% mann!

On why Mr Boh was handpicked for the top post, Mr Rer explained, "Just look at what are involved. Kidneys, money, ethics... Who do you think have the most experience in linking these three factors in? Mr Boh is the natural choice!"

"Hosei ah!" exclaimed Mr Boh. "Finally i'm given a new lease of life. Nobody understand the anxiety of waiting for an organ better than i do. In fact, till now i am still looking for a new heart since losing mine in 2006!"

On a separate event, Transport Minister Mr Yee Arh Pee has announced plans to regulate organ trading.

"I offer a very simple solution," beamed Mr Yee. "We will be erecting ERP gantries on all the roads leading the Transplant Centres. This way, the poor will not be exploited by organ trading. Because before they managed to sell their organs, they will already be fully exploited by the ERPs, leaving them nothing more to lose but everything to gain!"

CowShlt Inc & PigBrain Ltd Support Legalising of Human Organ Trade

2008-07-08T22:55:00.002+08:00

When the nation is still heatedly debating on the subject of legalising trade of human organs, CowShlt Inc and her siser company, PigBrain Ltd have both expressed strong advocacy towards liberalising the market.

"I don't see what's the big fuss about trading organs," said a puzzled Ms Zhu Za Tang, Managing Director of PigBrain Ltd. "I mean, just make a trip to the market, and you will see so many organs of my fellow Pigs handing from the stalls. From Pig Organ Soup to Kway Chap to Bak Kut Teh, when has our organs not been traded? Some more didn't even ask for our permission before harvesting them!"

"Yes," concurred Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "The health minister rejected liberalising of human organ trade on moral reason. If he is so moral-inclined, then call those doctors who performed transplant operation to do them for free lah! Want to be moral, then everybody moral together! Why only limit moral to the donor while the doctors charge an obscene amount? Is building two casinos in Singapore very moral? Is raising the age limit to withdraw our hardearned CPF very moral? Is erecting so many ERP gantries over the entire island very moral? Talk cock one leh!"

Meanwhile, local director Mr Jack Neo has announced his plan to make the 3rd instalment of his wildly popular movie, I Not Stupid.

"The story of I No Stupid 3 sees the few youths growing to young adulthood. By being in the lower educated realm, they naturally fall into the category of what the government believes as 'Stupid Enough to be Exploited to Sell Your Organs'. This movie shows how they fight against temptation to sell their organs, since the governemnt said it was morally worng to do so. I mean, what the government said must be correct, right?. However, one of them met with an accident shortly and died. His organs were then mercilessly taken away from him because he was too lowly educated to understand that he can actually opt out from HOTA."

Punters have a lot of stakes in the outcome of this debate too.

"We had recently launched a new betting scheme since European Cup has ended and the new EPL season has not started. Punters can bet directly on whether eventually the government will legalise the trading of human organs. Presently the odds are in favour of not legalising the act. However, punters should be aware that the odds may swing overnight to other end if a minister or celebrity suddenly needs an organ transplant."

Singapore Ready to Become Regional ERP Hub

2008-06-19T21:26:00.002+08:00

The Singapore government recently revealed their grand vision of becoming the regional hub for Electronic Road Pricing.

"While our neighbours are busy planting flag on the Middle Rocks, we move one step ahead by planting even more ERP gantries!" mused Mr Cheng Hoo Lang, spokesperson of LTA. "In fact, we are now studying the profitability of installing an ERP gantry at Pedra Branca. Everyone in Singapore pays ERP to go work, so how can exception be made for those fellows working in Horsburg Lighthouse?"

The vision of becoming an ERP Hub has drawn flaks from a local geomacy expert.

"From the top, Singapore looks like crab," explains Mr Kwa Hong Jui. "And those ERP gantries looks like giant staplers. So, imagine planting so many staplers on a crab, how to live like that? Don't expect Singapore to rise in ranking again for the most livable cities liao lah!"

While car owners are moaning about the ever increasing cost of driving in Singapore, one company has set sights on grabbing this business opportunity.

"We are in the finalising talks with LTA now," announced Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "On my hands now is the revolutionary tie-up between Cow's Jr and LTA. From 1st August 2008, motorists will be able to log in their orders for Cow's Jr through their In-Vehicle Unit. When they pass by an ERP gantry, their orders will be picked up and payments automatically deducted from their cashcards. They can then proceed to the Cow's Jr outlet of their choice to pick up their favourite McSlug Happy Meal."

When inquired about the unlucky motorists who have no chance to pass by any ERP gantry, Mr Gu said, "The LTA feels deeply for the unlucky motorist who yet have the chance to enjoy this special privilege. That's why the government has decided to erect an ERP gantry at the exit of every carpark by 1st Jan 2010. By then, ALL motorists can enjoy their favourite McSlug Happy Meal without frills! Kudos to the Transport Ministry!"

On a separate report, LTA has announced that carpark charges at residential areas will be increased to curb congestion issue.

"We noticed that the carparks at the residential areas are unusually congested since the implementation of more ERPs," explained Mr Cheng. "As such, to counter the problem of congestion in the carparks, LTA has decided to raise parking charges across island wide. Our Tranport authority firmly believes that raising charges can solve all problems. Transport Ministry boleh!"

CowShlt Inc All Ready to Take Over Governance of South Korea

2008-06-11T00:07:00.002+08:00

Following the mass resignation of the cabinet, South Korea has decided to outsource their government via a closed-door tender.

"It is our utmost honour to receive the Request for Proposal from South Korea," said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "CowShlt Inc has all along maintained a very close relationship with South Korea. Whenever our supply for CowShlt runs low, i always send my Cowlings to South Korea. And they never fail to produce loads of CowShlt after a few days of eating kimchi."

Mr Gu indicated that CowShlt Inc will go all out to win the tender.

"Realistically, CowShlt Inc has a better chance than any other competitors. The plight of the current government is caused by beef. So, who else is a better candidate to tackle this cowly issue than CowShlt Inc?"

While the company seems upbeat on the surface, it is also riled by rumours that the company's CEO is not seeing eye-to-eye with his deputy, Ms Enxiii, on where to set its headquarter in South Korea.

"While the day-to-day operations of CowShlt Inc rest solely on Mr Gu's shoulders, decision on logistic issue is made solely by me," explained Ms Enxiii. "That Mr Gu keep insisting on building our base at that beach featured in 秋天的童话, hoping to bump into 恩熙. Not a chance, OK! I have decided, we will build our base at the ski resort in 冬季恋歌 instead. Then, i can bump into 斐勇俊 and Mr Gu can bump into THIS Enxiii!"

I'm Back!

2008-05-28T23:52:00.002+08:00

Hi Cowlings, i'm back in Singapore finally. Came back in one piece, although a couple of Cow Peh's comrades were not so lucky. I heard that the injury rate for this training is a record high. Perhaps it's due to the extremely hot weather in Thailand. At once, the temperature even soared to 48.5 degrees Celcius. Enough to fry an egg on the tarmac floor.

Cow Peh is glad to be back, but also sad to leave Thailand. Glad to finally be together again with Cow Peh's family. Sad to depart from the closest that Cow Peh has ever got to be with Mother Nature. But, seems like in today's world, being alive is already a miracle. When the cyclone in Myammar has barely settled, Sichuan suffered the massive earthquake. My condolence to all people of the affected regions.

Take care, all Cowlings. Take extra care, BCCCE+Y. Somehow Bell's and Charmed's face kept flashing across my mind in a sudden throughout this training, i wonder why.

No More Updates....

2008-04-30T23:55:00.002+08:00

... for the next 4 weeks at least.

Cow Peh is going oversea for his In Camp Training this year. Will be away for close to the entire month. Hopefully when Cow Peh returns to Singapore, the pile of work at Cow Peh's office desk has mysteriously disappeared. Otherwise... brace yourself for an even longer crapless period.

Happy May Day, cowlings!

CowShlt Inc Sent into Frenzy over Disappearance of Nasi Lemak

2008-04-25T23:29:00.002+08:00

The entire CowShlt Inc was sent into a frenzy when its F&B Manager, Mr Nas Sigoreng, lost 20 packets of nasi lemak meant for staff consumption.

"I really don't know what happened," sighed Mr Sigoreng. "It was just a normal day which i went out to tabao nasi lemak for my staffs. While coming back, i suddenly need to use the toilet. So i left the nasi lemak alone on the table but when i return, it was all gone!"

The floor was abuzz with speculations whether it was an internal job.

"I heard from a colleague who heard from another colleague that the nasi lemak has actually all gone chao sng," said Mr Gor Seep Ping. "Mr Sigoreng actually secretly threw away all the nasi lemak and report them as missing so that he can still claim the petty cash. Otherwise, he will have to fork out all the money himself for the nasi lemak, plus the doctor fees!"

While speculations are hot and fierce among the ground staffs, the upper management is still divided on whether Mr Sigoreng should resign as an act of responsibility.

"Do you know how much rice cost nowadays?" questioned Ms Kao Mum Nee, Finance Manager of CowShlt Inc. "To lose this amount of rice is equivalent to losing your job. Though i like him very much, i still think that Nas must go!"

"We shouldn't punish Nas for one single mistake," explained Mr Hum Sup Low. "We must recognise Nas's merits in providing us with so many years of good food. Till date, his kway png is still the best! I can still remember him bringing me to Geylang in search of the freshest chick. And i must say that the China kways that he recommended are really young and tender......"

"I believe in giving Nas a second chance," proclaimed Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "Nas has contributed much towards the company and i cannot afford to lose any of my manager. At least, not until my deputy Ms Enxiii decides to come back from her long leave. And if you would excuse me, i like to go to the toilet now. Will you be kind enough to hold on to this packet of nasi lemak for me? Huh? No lah! How can history repeat itself when i had already sawn off the handle of the spoon inside?"

CowShlt Inc Employee Sent to Hospital after Fainting in Lift

2008-03-26T00:24:00.003+08:00

A staff of Singapore's most premire company, CowShlt Inc, was sent to hospital after fainting in the office lift. According to sources, Ms Waheen Leow has complained of breathing difficulties before she passed out. As the symptoms are largely alike, the Police Force has linked their investigation together with the unknown gas case take took place in Golden Landmark Shopping Complex.

The police has rounded up their suspects to the 4 person who were inside the lift with Ms Leow when she fainted.

"Damn suay to be considered as a suspect!" groaned Mr Mah Reh Thon, a colleague of Ms Leow. "To train myself for the upcoming Olympics, i actually ran from my home in Jurong to here in Changi. And the police still has to detain me for questioning. Look! I didn't even have the time to bathe yet!"

"Yaloh!" agreed the 2nd suspect who only identified himself with the initial L.S. "It is truly a bad day for me. The curry i took last night was already taking its toll on me. I was actually praying for the lift to quickly bring me up to my office so i can use the toilet. In fact, i was holding back myself so much just now in the lift until i let some gas out. Luckily it was the silent type which no one else notice. And if you will excuse me, i like to visit the toilet again now."

The 3rd suspect is a delivery boy from a nearby eatery. "Early in the morning have to meet with such thing..... Now that the food has turned stale, i have to exchange for a fresh one again!" When questioned on what food he was delivering at that point of time, the boy delightfully replied, "台湾臭豆腐 loh! You want some? I sell these to you cheap cheap!"

The 4th suspect, another colleague of Ms Leow, claimed total innocence. "How can the police suspect me when i was the last to enter the lift?" exclaimed Mr Kou Chou. "I had a great start for the day enjoying my all-you-can-eat buffet breakfast at the Garlic Restaurant. I tell you, their grilled garlic is so wonderful that i actually ate 20 of them in a row! In anyway, when i entered the lift, Ms Leow was already swaying back and forth. Being the concerned colleague, i simply got face-to-face with her and asked her if she is doing fine. Who will expect her to faint at that very moment?"

The police declined interview as the case is currently under investigation.

What if the Heavy Downpour Results in State-of-Emergency?

2008-03-13T12:36:00.003+08:00

The recent downpour does not seem to be ending soon. If the heavy downpour results in a state-of-emergency and safety shelters have to be built, are Singaporeans prepared?

CowShlt Inc speculates what could be heard during the time of emergency.

1. How come the government didn’t arrange the flood to take place during off-peak hours? Now I can’t take the MRT to the safety shelter, how?

2. How come the government didn’t build a sheltered walkway from my home to the safety shelter so I won’t get wet from the horrendous downpour?

3. How come there is an ERP gantry erected at the entrance of every safety shelter?

4. How come there is an upgrade to the safety shelters only in the PAP constituencies?

5. How come only the angmohs have stewardess serving them in the safety shelters?

6. How come I still have to ballot for a place in the more popular safety shelters?

7. How come the safety shelters no aircon one?

8. How come there must be a fixed quota of place in the safety shelters based on ethnic groups?

9. How come the amount of relief I should receive depends on the size of my safety shelter?

10. How come the mee siam served in the safety shelters all got hums one?

Singapore Police Received Several Wrong Tip-off for Whereabout of Mas Selamat

2008-03-02T01:22:00.002+08:00

After the escape of Singapore's most wanted man, the Police force has been receiving a steady stream of tip-off from the public who claimed to have spotted the sightings of Mas Selamat.

The first tip-off from Mr Sah Boh Kin led the police to SJI, or St Joseph Institute, at Whitley Road which is just a stone throw away from the ISA detention barrack. The police, acting on Mr Sah's tip-off, found the principal of SJI instead.

"I heard from the radio that the leader of a something JI escape from Whitley Road mah!" explains Mr Soh. "So i immediately thought that the principal of SJI has ran away from the school loh! Who knows that the police is actually looking for another JI leader... I tell you hor, it's all the government's fault for having so many acronyms so similar. I'm only doing my best to help!"

The second tip-off actually brought the Police force all the way to England. According to Mr Yee Pee Ell, a 'familiar face' was seen limping like how Mas Selamat does.

The police officer, while sipping English Breakfast Tea along Thames River, has confirmed that the suspect is not Mas Selamat, but Eduardo da Silva from Arsenal Football Club.

The third tip-off has the Police force searching for Mas Selamat at Changi Village, believing he is making a sea route escape after a call from Mr Chow Hee Lang. The search has proven to be futile, too.

"What? Not possible lah! How can the Police not find it?" questions Mr Chow. "You go ask anybody at Changi Village, everyone can also point you to the right direction lah, so famous there! Do i know who the Police is searching for? Of course i know lah! Huh?? Who is Mas Selamat? I never heard of him."

When questioned on why he tipped-off the Police force on the Changi Village location then, Mr Chow answered, "i heard from the radio that the police is searching for nasi lemak mah!"

CowShlt Inc 1st Anniversary Loyalty Award Prize Winner

2008-02-25T11:53:00.000+08:00

ATTN: THE SELECTED COWLING
FROM: THE CEO DESK, COWSHIT INC
COWSHIT 1ST ANNIVERSARY LOYALTY AWARD

AWARD NOTIFICATION: FINAL NOTICE

Lucky Cowling,

If you can read this post, it means you are the selected winner of the grand prize of CowShlt Inc. 1st Anniversary Loyalty Award! Winner of this award is selected randomly via your IP addresses. Every time you visit CowShlt Inc. website, your IP address is logged and added to the pool of lucky draw participants. YOUR IP address has been selected by our database on 1 Feb 2008 as the grand prize winner. Congratulations but please do not share this news with other Cowlings as this post will only appear on YOUR computer with the same IP address.

You are hereby approved a prize money of Eighty Eight Thousand, Eight Hundred Singapore (SGD88,800) in vouchers for the 2008 range of top products. This promotion is jointly organized by Goggle Awards & Windows Live. Apart from CowShlt Inc., several other participants were selected through Java-based software balloting system drawn from one hundred thousand visitors to blogs and websites from Canada, Australia, United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East and Africa as part of our international promotions program which is conducted towards the 4th quarter of last year.

This lottery is co-sponsored by the MygoSoft Company as their social welfare to the individuals in areas where they have operational base, who are active on internet. Furthermore, your detail (IP address) falls within our Asian representative office in Shenton Way, Singapore. As indicated in your play coupon, your prize of (SGD88,800)will be released to you from our CowShlt Inc. headquarter Office here in Singapore.

HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE: Simply contact our Financial Department Manager, Dr Soh Nai Eve (cowshlt@gmail.com) with your IP address. Remember, your prize must be claimed not later than 20 days from today, as your visit to CowShlt Inc. has already been captured with your IP address.

Congratulations once again on your winning!

Also ensure you include the following information in your email to ensure a safe and quick delivery. Any breach of confidentiality on the part of winners will result in a forfeiture of the prize.

1. Full Name
2. Present Address
3. Date Of Birth
4. Telephone Number
5. Marital Status
6. IP Address
7. A most recent taken full body photograph of yourself

I await sincerely for your response.

Best wishes,

Gu Sai,
CEO, CowShlt Inc

CowShlt Poems for the Valentine Soul

2008-02-13T16:22:00.002+08:00

Today is Valentine's Day. To busk in the atmosphere of this festival of love, Cow Peh has specially penned 5 poems in dedication to all Valentine's couple.....

1. Roses & Violets
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When the invoice came
Then you kao peh kao bu

2. Chocolate & Candy
Sweet as a chocolate
Nice like a candy
If I go pak tor with you
I sure kenna diabetes

3. To Conquer & Be Free
Love will conquer all
Love will set you free
When you wake up tomorrow
Don’t ask me to bear responsibility

4. Beauty is Forever
You are so beautiful to me
You are everything I will ever see
You took down your make-up finally
Then I realize you actually sibei ugly

5. Cupid's Work
Childhood playmates we are known
Destined together we were told
Then Cupid draws out his arrow
To realize he left his bow at home

CowShlt Inc wishes all Cowlings a happy Valentine's Day.

The Fight is Now On for the Next Singapore Zoo Icon

2008-02-11T15:22:00.000+08:00

Since the untimely dismissal of Ah Meng on the very first day of 2008 Chinese New Year, the search for the next Singapore Zoo icon is hot on its heels.

“As the saying goes,” explains Mr Lau Gao, Public Relation Manager of Singapore Zoo, “the show must go on. We truly love Ah Meng, but the need for an icon precedes all emotions. Thus, we must elect a new icon as soon as possible to lead the Singapore Zoo towards globalization.”

It was known that the short-listed candidates have been reduced to the final 3 - Polar Bear “Inuka”, Bull Elephant "Chawang” and the unborn Orang Utan “Ah Meng Junior”.

CowShlt Inc assesses on the three animals and boldly predict the outcome of the fight to becoming the next Singapore Zoo’s icon.

Bull Elephant "Chawang”

The least likely of the three contenders. Face it, he hurt his handler before. The big yellow ribbon that he ties on his trunk had got him to where he is now – at the Singapore Night Safari as their key attraction. But that will be as far as it will be. Chawang is not breed in Singapore, and his birthplace hardly qualifies him as Foreign Talent. Despite his enormous size, he is destined to earn his livings in the construction industry.

Polar Bear “Inuka”

A hot favourite among the Singapore girls. Charming, elusive and most of all, he’s white. Born locally by his expatriate mother, Inuka has been the centre of attraction everywhere he goes. He is the exact opposite of many Singaporeans – white on the outside, yellow on the inside – which made him all the more affable to the Sarong Party Girls. While Chawang has to slog in the open air pulling logs, Inuka has the comfort of his own private air-conditioned office. Rumour has it that even the tap used for filling up his swimming pool is made of gold.

Orang Utan “Ah Meng Junior”

Clearly the winner despite the hard work of Chawang and the charisma of Inuka. Born into the family of Singapore Zoo’s first-ever icon, he is pre-destined to receive the best treatment in everything. Detractors label him as White Horse, even though he is clearly an orang utan. CowShlt Inc is aware that Ah Meng Junior is not even born. But fret not. All Singapore Zoo needs is a seat warmer until Ah Meng Junior is all ready to take over the rein of power. Best of all, you just need to feed him "peanuts".

Unspoken Angpow Rules when Visiting Your Ministers during CNY

2008-02-06T09:25:00.000+08:00

恭喜发财! It is finally time to usher in the Year of the Rat. Being the high-flyers of CowShlt Inc, i believe many Cowlings will be visiting our Singapore Ministers during this Chinese New Year. The ministers, being all human, receive and distribute angpows too during this festival. Cow Peh will like to remind all Cowlings of the following unspoken rules when visiting them in order to prevent any unhapppiness from arising.

If you are visiting......

Transport Minister: Your angpow will be automatically deducted the moment you cross through his door. The amount to deduct will depend on whether you are visiting the minister during the peak hours.

Environment Minister: You are encouraged to open your angpow on the spot and dispose all used angpows into the recycling collection bin.

Home Affairs Minister: Your angpow will first go through an x-ray screening before landing on the minister's hand.

Information, Communication and Arts Minister: Your angpow will be passed to a panel of reviewers. Any inappropriate text or graphic will be censored.

Education Minister: Your angpow will be guaged alongside with your performance from the previous CNY. Your angpow will then be duly ranked under the category of "Value Adding".

Health Minister: You will first need to go through a series of mean testing before the minister decides how much angpow to give.

Defence Minister: If you are unhappy with the anngpow you received, remember to give feedback through the right channel.

Community Service, Youth and Sports Minister: 15% of your angpow received will be deducted as levy to groom the next generation.

Manpower Minister: Your angpow will be temporary kept by the minister. You will only be able to withdraw your angpow after you turned 65.

Finance Minister: Angpow? What angpow? The finance minister is not the Fortune God OK??!

CowShlt Inc wishes all Cowlings Happy Ratty New Year!

Falling Gantry Hits Taxi

2008-01-31T09:17:00.000+08:00

A height limit gantry, after being hit by a crane-attached lorry, fell and hit a taxi instead today along Sunset Way.

Both the taxi driver and his passenger were unhurt in the event.

“Can you find anyone more suay than me?” laments Mr Tio Tau Pio, the taxi driver. “Within one day, I was hit twice. When the rates at some ERP gantry went up, I was hit. Then this height limit gantry fell down, I also kenna hit! Think I better go pray pray to Tua Pek Kong tonight……”

This reporter was notified that the passenger in this taxi was the driver whose car were smashed by the falling branch along Bedok South Road on 15 Jan 2008.

The passenger, who refuse to give her name, said, “If the taxi uncle wants to compare suayness, then nobody beats me lah! Everywhere I drive to, there seems to be falling things. Now even when I kuai kuai take taxi, also kenna falling hazards. I prayed for money to fall from the sky, but I think Ti Kong misunderstood me and give me all this falling disasters instead!”

The lorry driver, a young man in his early twenties, is assisting the police with the investigation.

“I did retract the crane last night one,” he proclaimed. “But you know lah, cars are like men. With a crane so long and thick, it’s natural to rise up and extend itself early in the morning one mah! You should know lah, with all the fluid storing readily in the crane throughout the cold night, they will expand the moment the first sunlight shines on it. It’s a natural urge!”

This accident has lead to a swift decision by LTA. Its spokesperson, Ms Yee Arh Pee, held a press-release immediately stating “now that one height limit gantry has fallen down, LTA has no choice but to further raise the toll charges of other ERP gantries to recoup the replacement fee.”

RSAF Jets Scrambled to Intercept Private Plane

2008-01-24T16:06:00.000+08:00

The RSAF did a quick job to intercept a private plane heading to Singapore without permission. Two of her missile-armed F16D jets took off around 6:45 pm and brought the single-engine turboprop Cessna 208 to land at the Changi Airport.

Just what did the two RSAF pilots said to the two Australian pilots to convince them to touch down so effectively? CowShlt Inc speculates…………………..

1. Congratulations! You are the 10,000th visitor to Singapore in 2008! Please proceed to Changi Airport now to claim your prize.

2. Do you know that flying is extremely dangerous? And if you can just give us 5 minutes, i will like to hop over and introduce you this insurance policy which will give you best coverage.

3. You land at Changi Airport now, i take to you Changi Village for nasi lemak. I branja!

4. Go to Changi Airport for refueling now! Got 20% discount, you know? Some more can earn loyalty points!

5. There’s an ERP gantry in front! Got bring Cashcard or not?

6. We had arranged a few Sarong Party Girls waiting for you at Changi Airport now leh………..

7. You here also to perform for the Air Show huh? If not why your tail side got so much smoke huh?

8. Orchard Road now got Chinese New Year sales leh, you know?

9. Stay in Singapore for free access to the casino, I mean, Integrated Resort lah!

10. If you still don’t touch down now, I will throw two baskets of durians at you!

11. You have won a 3-days-2-nights stay at your favourite hotel! However, you have to first attend a one-hour presentation at Changi Airport………

12. We are dying to leave Singapore. Can we get a hitchhike from you guys, please?

CowShlt Inc Supports Singapore’s Bid for Youth Olympic Games

2008-01-24T16:01:00.000+08:00

CowShlt Inc proudly declares our support for Singapore’s bid of the inaugural Youth Olympic Games hosting rights!

CowShlt Inc sincerely hopes that Singapore will win the hosting rights to the inaugural Youth Olympic Games over rival Moscow for the following reasons.

1. The chance of our office getting an en-bloc sale to make way for the games facilities gets higher.

2. We can rent out our office premise for people to watch the fireworks during the closing ceremony.

3. We have more chances to invest in Singapore Pools for the many competitions.

4. There is a good chance that ERPs will be turned off during the games.

5. For every gold medal won, we get one day holiday right?

6. Beautiful Cow and Magical Cow may find their rich angmoh husbands among the visitors.

7. There is nothing more interesting than watching the likes of Maria Sharapova in their adolescent years playing tennis in their skimpy outfits.

CowShlt Inc Education Department to Offer New Course in Separating Tone from Substance

2008-01-21T12:09:00.000+08:00

Internal Memo

To: The Department for Further Education

The recent reply from Minister-of-State for Education RAdm Lui Tuck Yew on the importance to separate the 'tone' from the 'substance' of the message saw the sales of our competitor’s dictionaries soaring. To maintain our market leadership in the private education sector, CowShlt Inc will launch a professional diploma aimed at teaching professionals how to separate tone from content.

The course content shall highlight the following subjects:

1. Differentiating Tone from Substance – The DNA Approach
This course shall focus on looking at Tone and Substance from a scientific approach. We shall dissect Tone and Substance to their chromosomal levels and study the distinctive gene in their DNA that separates the two.

2. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly – Gaining the Psychological Advantage
This course shall focus on hiding your good or bad cards with the same ugly face. We shall deal every student with a hand of poker. Student will learn how to maintain an ugly face, no matter how good or bad the hand is. This is the key to gaining a psychological advantage over your opponent.

3. Practical Lesson – How to Announce Price Increment with a Smiling Face
Students must display their ability to announce increment in transport fare, GST, price for essential items and inflation rate with a smiling face. At no time must their tone be in-line with the substance they are announcing.

Kindly start the course planning immediately. I expect the first enrollment of students to commence by next week. Thank you!

Best regards,

Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc

Cow Peh Explains Origin of 12 Chinese Zodiac

2008-01-11T00:30:00.000+08:00

十二生肖传奇

In the very old days, there was no clock, no calendar. Years passed without a proper way of keeping track. It was then that 玉皇大帝 decided to use 12 animals to represent a year each. Being the fair King, all 12 animals were randomly generated from 玉皇大帝's PDA. He then sent a mass SMS to the representatives the 12 animals - Rat, Cow, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig - enrolling them into the Amazing Race - Heaven Edition. Whoever reaches Pitstop first will get to lead the pack.

Within minutes after the SMS was sent, Monkey was seen strolling into Pitstop, demanding the right to the top rank. Sensing something amissed, 玉皇大帝 immediately screened through all CCTVs footage of that day and found Monkey being pre-empted on the race by 孙悟空. Monkey was thus sent to the penalty chamber and returned as an eventual 9th.

Among the 12 animals, Dragon was the hot favourite among punters to win given his ability to fly. However, he was greatly delayed by the over-zealous air custom officials who insisted on a thorough security check on the basis of anti-terrorism. Dragon only managed to snag a dismal 5th, collapsing the bank accounts of many bookies.

玉皇大帝's SMS was warmly received by the Tiger Brothers. Inspired by Terry Fox, the Tiger Brothers refused to let their disabilities handicap their determination. However, the Tiger Brothers, being 一只没有眼睛一只没有耳朵, only managed to claim 3rd spot.

Rabbit, having learnt his lesson the hard way from his race with Tortoise, did not sleep under a tree during the Race. He came in a respectable 4th.

Being the poor cousin of Dragon, Snake was doing his part-time job at the Garden of Eden when the SMS arrived. Unable to get time off until he fully planted the apple tree, Snake arrived in 6th position, ironically after Dragon again.

Horse and Goat were extremely close lunch buddies. They spent most time together discussing where's the grass in greener. Since only Horse has evolved into Pegasus, he had the inevitable task of ferrying Goat on his back for the entire Race. Horse and Goat clinched the 7th and 8th spots, with the higher ranked offered to Horse the Carrier.

Rooster was sleeping soundly after performing the morning shift. His handphone was on sient mode when the SMS arrived and thus failed to notice it. When he finally realised how cocked up he has been, he was already disadvantaged by several hours. He reached the Pitstop as 10th.

Dog and Pig were partying the entire night away with their 猪朋狗友 the night before the Race commenced. Both suffered from a great hangover, and to made matters worse, they were both booked for drink-driving. They occupied the 2 stellar positions, with Dog gaining a split-second win over Pig by sticking his long tongue out.

The fight for the top-post, however, was among Rat and Cow.

Cow, under the watchful eyes of 牛魔王 and sponsored by CowShlt Inc, had been keeping fit regularly. He had the responsibility of maintaining the stock market bullish run, no less. Cow was in fact ahead of Rat when approaching Pitstop. However, being too full of CowShlt, he had no alternative but to detour to the nearest toilet to discharge himself. When he arrived at Pistop, Rat was already there.

Rat, surprising, had an amazing easy race. He was, in fact, without a drop of sweat. The following interviewed was conducted immediately upon him being crowned Leader of the 12 Zodiac.

"Where on heaven am i at now?" screamed the Rat. "Pitstop? What Pitstop? How did i come here?? I was cooking 佛跳墙 just now.... Huh? No.... i left that French restaurant after their ratatouille was found contaminated with Salmonella Enteriditis bacteria. Oh yes! So i was serving Buddha his lunch just now whereby he suddenly decided to jump over the wall. I was caught by the tangle of his robes and the next thing i know, i was here! Why? Am i in some kind of rat race??"

CowShlt Inc Newsletter Interviews Singapore Idols I & II

2008-01-06T01:16:00.000+08:00

Since Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, has run out of announcement to make, Cow Peh has no choice but to go light-hearted on this issue. Fortunately, by pulling some strings, Cow Peh managed to gain an exclusive interview with the first-ever Singapore Idol Taufik Batisah and the newly crowned Asian Idol Hady Mirza.

EXCLUSIVE!

Cow Peh - CP
Taufik Batisah - TB
Hady Mirza - HM

CP: First of all, congratulations to Hady for being crowned the first-ever Asian Idol.

HM: Thank you! Thank you so much! Now, i can really say that i am indeed the best in Singapore, JB and even Batam!

TB: Eh! You forgot to thank your lao-peh, lao-bu, ah-gong and ah-mah again lah.......

(Both broke into cold laughters as a black crow flew past)

CP: What do both of you think constituted to Hady's win?

HM: Simple lah.... Because i'm simply the best in Singapore, JB and Batam mah!

TB: I think Hady won the Asian Idol simply because he sang MY song during the competition. Ever heard of blind-voting? That's exactly what took place here. The voters are blind and they all thought they were voting for ME!

(Hady gave a cold stare at Taufik)

CP: There has been speculations that you actually won because of the dual voting scheme. Voters thought that you are the worst singer and thus safest to cast the 2nd vote. What's your view on this, Hady?

TB: (interrupts Hady) So THAT'S why you purposely sang off key and made my song so horrible!!! You @#$%^&*!!!!!

(Taufik and Hady got into a scuffle)

CP: Boys! Boys!!! Both of you are IDOLS! You are supposed to be role models to the many young readers of CowShlt Inc newsletter!

(Taufik and Hady broke up the fight, but both were still seething)

CP: Taufik, it is understood that you are still sore about the abrupt end of World Idol competition straight after your win at Singapore Idol.

HM: Yah loh, yah loh!! The organizers heard him sang and quickly called off the competition to protect their hearings mah!

(Taufik pulled the chair off under Hady's seat and Hady thumped to the ground. Both broke into a catfight again)

CP: Boys! Cool it! Boys!!

(Cow Peh got in between the scuffle and separated the two by force)

CP: Cool down, boys. Let me finish this interview first. I'm meeting a deadline ok? Otherwise the Cowlings at CowShlt Inc are going to kao peh kao bu at me again.....

(All three regained their seats)

CP: OK..... I will need one more question to fill up the void in our newsletter. Not so much advertisement being featured nowadays, i wonder why also. Maybe AC Nielson found out that actually nobody reads CowShlt Inc newsletterat all. But alas, i digressed. My final question to both of you is, what does 2008 holds for you? Let's start with Taufik first.

TB: I am all ready to break into the Chinese-speaking market. I bet you all had heard me singing "每时每刻有音乐，933醉心频道" on 933FM right? That's the direction i'm heading at this year! In fact, i'm already working with my buddy 神香聋 on our new duet tentatively titled 烂兄烂弟 in celebration of our brotherly love!

CP: Well, it's actually 沈祥龙 and 难兄难弟. Please send my regards to Sylvester, and tell him Maia is going great as my Star Blogger intern. Now, what about Hady? What does 2008 holds for you?

HM: I just hope that if Singapore Idol gets revived again this year, the winner is not another Malay. The market is too small for another competitor. The Chinese guy, the what Daren Tan from Project Superstar 2, is already crossing over to perform in Beauty World the musical! So what can i do? No choice loh! Just have to pick up Tamil and hope to get a role in the upcoming Mustafa Centre the musical loh............

CowShlt Inc Announce 8 New Projects for 2008

2007-12-29T00:08:00.000+08:00

Internal Memo - Human Resource Arrangement

Dear Staffs,

The year 2007 has been a great run for CowShlt Inc and 2008 definitely looks even more promising. A total of 8 projects are already in the pipeline and the HR department will be talking to each of you soon in realignment of human resources according to project needs. I shall briefly highlight the 8 projects here so that if you possess a particular interest into any of it, do express yourself early.

And the 8 projects are (in no order of merits or importance):

1. To Revitalise Singapore Economy

As much of my bank accounts are in US dollars, the weakening of the currency has seen my pockets shrunk considerably. I have, therefore, decided to shift our investment focus back to Singapore dollars. Thus, a booming economy is needed. We will therefore have to convert the Singapore Flyer from a ferris wheel to a watermill instead. This watermill will be shifted 8 degrees South, overlooking Singapore business district. This watermill will then provide the much needed wind and water for that area.

2. Building of NewPower Plant

With the price increase in electricity tariff, CowShlt Inc will build our own power generator plant instead. The NewPower plant will convert human wastes of all CowShlt Inc staffs into energy. As i personally observed, much of our shlt contains a high level of oil. All staffs are therefore mandated to consume only deep fried food and produce at least 2kg of waste per day.

3. To Break into the Local Movie Industry

Acclaimed home-grown director Royston Tan has agreed to produce the sequel to the highly successful movie 881 in collaboration with CowShlt Inc. This movie, titled 1711, will see Qi Yuwu reprise his role as Guanyin. Since the departure of Small Papaya, Guanyin developed an obsession with time. And every 5 minutes, he will pick up the phone and dial 1711. He soon developed an explicit relationship with the automated time reporter. Since Guanyin had sold his cock in 881, he will adopt a pet cow in 1711 instead. Enxiii "Techno Cow" will make her movie debut as the voice behind the automated time reporter.

4. To Mass Market the Cure for Gay Tendency

CowShlt Inc, together with Nominated Member of Parliament Thio Li-ann, have successfully developed the cure for gay tendency. The cure, in liquid solution, is to be ingested via two straws shafted into the nose.

5. Building of Singapore Disneyland

The Singapore government has finally convinced Walt Disney to build a Disneyland on our shores and CowShlt Inc has been tasked to oversee the development. To ensure Mickey Mouse and his gang have the same ample space to roam about as in Los Angeles and Japan, Singapore Disneyland will thereby be the first ever multi-storey Disneyland!

6. To Help Win Olympic Gold Medal in Beijing 2008

The Singapore Sports Council views Beijing 2008 as the "first Olympic Games held on homeground". CowShlt Inc has been tasked to expediate the talent spotting process and convert as many Beijing-born athletes to Singapore citizen as possible.

7. To Help Singapore Government Connect with the Youths

The post-65 MPs have dance the hiphop. The MDA officials have sang the rap. Now the Singapore government will connect with the youth in the most widespread manner ever adopted - Facebook. CowShlt Inc will assist all Members of Parliament in sending email invitation to their respective constituents aged 30 and below. The invitation notice will be customised to have only "Accept as Friend" button. Failure to accept their MPs as Friends within 30 days will result in an auto generated house arrest.

8. To Develop Singapore as the Region's Protest Hub

It is of great embarassment to the Singapore leaders to be overtaken by Malaysia in staging protest not once, but thrice. The Singapore government has thus announced an emergency ruling to legalise protest aims to be the leading "Protest Hub" in this region. CowShlt Inc has been roped in to help distribute goodies bags to all protesters. Expect to see our newly crowned Asian Idol - Hady Mirza in action on the inaugural protest. CowShlt Inc will sponsor the top prize for the lucky draw.

The year 2008 promise to be full of excitments with these upcoming projects. I'd like to express my greatest gratitude to all staffs of CowShlt Inc for making 2007 a successful year. And i certainly look foward to another year of unwavering support in 2008!

I sincerely wish all staffs a very Happy New Year.

Best regards,

Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc

All I Want for Christmas is......

2007-12-19T23:29:00.001+08:00

Christmas is just round the corner. You can in fact sees its shadow behind the wall, holding its baseball bat, ready to pounce on anyone who comes next. Christmas is all about giving and sharing. Gone are the cheesy wishes for "world peace". And thus, Cow Peh decided to share with all Cowlings, his wishlist for Christmas 2008.....

Cow Peh's Top 5 Wishlist for Christmas 2008

1. Bell

Which domesticated Cow want to be spotted without ding-dong Bell? Sometimes Cow Peh can get lost in life too. And the chime of crystal clear Bell certainly does best in waking up his sleepy soul.

2. Cammyra (Editor's Note: Are you sure it is not spelt as camera?)

Time stops for no one. Youth passes and beauty fades. The only way to capture and preserve Cow Peh's failing memory is in the form of picture, motion or still. What else is better in keeping Cow Peh's fondest moments than Cammyra?

3. Casper

Christmas is never complete without the story of the ghost and the holy Cow. Cow Peh is a restless Cow who sometimes fly too high for a safe landing. And who does a better job than Casper the friendly ghost in bringing Cow Peh down to earth, and sometimes even under the earth?

4. Charmed (Editor's Note: The noun should be charm, not charmed lah!)

Readership of CowShlt Newsletter had dwindled considerably. To save his grace, Cow Peh desperately need Charmed to pull in more readers. Charmed that mesmerized Cow Peh so much upon setting his first sight. If Charmed can work so effectively on the mighty Cow Peh, there is no escape for other mortal Cows.

5. Enxiiison Sales (Editor Note: Now, i'm pretty sure it's spelt as End Season...)

Being lavished with so many gifts from his fans, Cow Peh must also reciprocate by giving. But having his leather pocket tight as usual, Enxiiison Sales is a god-send. Somehow, Cow Peh has already developed a strong dependancy on Enxiiison Sales. Whenever he gets into a tight corner, he knows he can always count on Enxiiison Sales to bail him out.

PLUS!!

Like any good album, there's always a bonus track. Cow Peh wishlist also has a plus item too!

6. Yacuzzy (Editor's Note: Get a dictionary, Cow Peh, it's jacuzzi....)

Ever so attractive, ever so enchanting. What can beat the stress away better than indulging in the warmth of Yacuzzy? The bubbly nature of Yacuzzy will relax every inch of Cow Peh's tensed muscle. Even a short encounter with Yacuzzy is enough for Cow Peh to develop an addiction. For times without Yacuzzy, get ready for withdrawal symptoms!

Prima Deli Food Poisoning Case.....

2007-12-14T00:19:00.001+08:00

Psst..... Cow Peh finally figured out why Prima Deli's chocolate cake contains .......Salmonella Enteriditis.

Read this carefully....................

Community Service - Resignation Letter Sample

2007-12-01T00:14:00.000+08:00

Cow Peh received a personal request from his friend who works in a competitor company. He wanted to quit but have absolutely no idea on how to write a resignation letter. So, in the goodwill of community spirit, Cow Peh took the effort to draft the letter for him.......

To: Mr Fei Hua, General Manager
BullShlt Ltd
6969 Jalan Jalan-jalan
Singapore 142434

From: Zor Sai Kang, Manager
Manure Recycling Department
Staff Number 54438

Dear Mr Fei,

LETTER OF RESIGNATION

I, Zor Sai Kang, hereby tender my resignation from the position of Manure Recycling Department Manager. As per required by my terms of engagement, I hereby give 3 months of notification and thus my official last day of service will be 30 Feb 2008.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank BullShlt Ltd and you personally for the continuous grooming in bettering me, in both professional and personal context. I am especially appreciative of the many shlt you thrown at my face daily, without fail, throughout the years. This directly resulted in the radiant glow sporting from my face now. I believe this is the strongest testament of the high quality shlt that BullShlt Ltd churn out constantly.

I am also thankful to BullShlt Ltd for training me to sleep at 2am and wake up at 6am the following morning. The ringing from the teleconference is the most beautiful alarm clock sound that my family ever heard. Experts stated that 1/3 of our lives were spent sleeping. With your training, i had effectively gained 4 hours of extra life daily. Though there are people who suggested that i look 10 years older than my actual age, they had forgotten the fact that i am also 10 years nearer to my retirement.

Finally, i will like to thank you for personally training me in the wide aspect of understanding politics. Your "101 Ways to Cover Your Backside", "Teach Yourself to Backstab in 21 Days" and "Suppressing Alternative Views" seminars increased my social skillset like never before. The workshops on "Tripoding" and "Currying Favours" taught me how to attain a good inner balancing while spicing up my life.

It is therefore, with my deepest regret to part way with this magnificant company. Should all factors permit, it will be my greatest pleasure to offer my services to BullShlt Ltd again. I say this from my bottom, i mean, bottom of my heart.

I wish BullShlt Ltd and all her staffs the very best in their future endeavours.

Sincerely,

Zor Sai Kang
Manager, Manure Recycling Department

CowShlt Inc and Bullshlt Ltd Bring Dispute Over Horsburgh Lightpost to Court

2007-11-23T00:19:00.000+08:00

Unable to settle for the sovereignty over Horsburgh Lightpost which resides between the two companies, CowShlt Inc and Bullshlt Ltd brought the case for mediation to the country's highest court - the tennis court situated at the rooftop of UOB Building.

Both companies have agreed to abide to the final ruling and outcome from this court, to be judged by Chief Justice Liak Boh Kiew.

"The Horsburgh Lightpost was nobody's property when we first pasted our company's advertisement pamplet on it," claimed Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, as he served a powerful shot over to Mr Fei Hua, General Manager of Bullshlt Ltd.

"You don't talk cock lah!" exclaimed Mr Fei as he swings his racquette. "My lao peh told me long ago that Horsburgh Lightpost is actually ours. Just that we see you happily maintaining the lightpost, we keep quiet and let you carry on loh! Free one anyway mah!" The ball had landed back into Mr Gu's court again.

"Our security uncle has been patroling Horsburgh Lightpost every night for as long as i can remember. But now you suddenly draw a new floor plan and claim Horsburgh Lightpost as your property. How can suka-suka take away people's thing one?" rebuffed Mr Gu as he delivered a 180km/h forehand smash.

"You still dare to talk about your security uncle! Everytime he walks over to Horsburgh Lightpost, he will stand at the side and then whisper 'excuse, excuse' and then take a pee. Just look at the abundance of grass growing around Horsburgh Lightpost!" Mr Fei grunted as he flicked the ball over the net with a backhand.

"Can somebody at least score a point?" lamented CJ Liak.

The court hearing was brought to an abrupt halt when the ball suddenly crashed into CJ Liak's two front teeth while he was yawning, effectively delivering a total knockout on Mr CJ Liak. Both Mr Gu and Mr Fei have disclaimed their involvement in that smash.

The court is adjourned to a further date.

CowShlt Inc Launches Brand New Financial Line

2007-11-17T00:09:00.000+08:00

CowShlt Inc sets up new financial arm, launches new investment line for the financial savvy.

Riding on the hot trend in the investment market, CowShlt Inc jumped into the bandwagon and sets up its exclusive financial arm - CashCow Empire, and launches its very own investment line.

"Today marks the official launch of our highly lucrative investment line - Special Consumer Advanced Money (S.C.A.M)," declares Mr Boh Lui Liao, general manager of CashCow Empire. "S.C.A.M gives you the opportunity to increase your profit without ends!"

"S.C.A.M is a top-of-the-range, state-of-the-art line of investment scheme," explains Ms Tek Ann Run, a pioneer trader of S.C.A.M appointed by CowShlt Inc. "All you need to do is use $12000 to purchase a distributor rights from CashCow Empire. With the rights, you are able to sell our exclusive range of CashCow products over your virtual shop."

When questioned on the products being sold, Ms Tek replied, "It's a very exclusive range of fabric. The quality is so good that they are only used to manufacture the Emperor's New Clothes."

The CEO of CowShlt Inc, Mr Gu Sai, likens himself to Mr Warren Buffet, 2nd richest man in the world.

"My investors all call me Singapore's Warren Buffet," said Mr Gu. "I am, in fact, better than Mr Buffet. I mean, who in this world still needs a warrant to eat buffet? Just look at me. Look at the queue outside. I have plenty of people serving themselves to me on a platter!"

Although S.C.A.M is making the talk of the town, not all investors are convinced. Singapore's top-selling insurance agent, Mr Wu Ngya Bor, made this comment on the condition of not staying in anonymity.

"I believe S.C.A.M is nothing but just an empty shell. The purpose is just to get as many people to invest as possible. When a person invests, he will have to recruit new sub-investors in order to earn any profit. And in turn, the sub-investors will have to recruit more sub-sub-investors in order to distribute the deposit as profit to a bigger pie now. The show will end when the sub-sub-sub-investors have finally run out of people to recruit as sub-sub-sub-sub-investors."

The financial consumer watchdog, Global Resistance to Extraordinary Enrichment Delusion (G.R.E.E.D), is also monitoring CashCow Empire.

"CashCow Empire claims that S.C.A.M makes money fall from the sky, that it is an idiot-proof financial line whereby everybody earns," G.R.E.E.D spokeperson proclaims. "However, i think it is obvious what CashCow Empire really meant is S.C.A.M is a real proof that those investors are indeed idiots!"

CowShlt Inc Won Over Title of Slowest Taxi in the World!

2007-11-09T23:00:00.000+08:00

Breaking News!
Barely few weeks after Mr Lau Ah Pek had been conferred the much sought after title of owning the World's Slowest Taxi, CowShlt Inc has successfully wrestled away this honour with its own fleet of taxis - the 老牛拉车 fleet.

"CowShlt Inc is really efficient," lamented Mr Lau Ah Pek. "I was still thinking that i could have at least held on to the title for a while longer. It wasn't an easy feat for me to achieve you know? For my entire life, that was the only time when i was Number 1. But now, after just weeks......" Mr Lau Ah Pek chokes in tears and is too distraught to carry on speaking.

The World's Slowest Taxi Award was founded by 3 young men from the Great Britain. This award aims to recognise and reward deserving taxi drivers from all over the world who put safety and service above speed.

"The taxi industry has evolved greatly over the past few decades," explains Mr Chow Angmoh, co-founder of the World's Slowest Taxi Award. "Taxis nowadays are mostly equipped with wings and powerjets that allow them to zigzag through even the most congested road. I mean, what happened to the old belief of 'take a step back and enjoy the scenery'? We have always enjoyed being taken for a ride, even for a few more dollars! Thus we want to revolutionise the taxi industry completely. This award will bring the taxis back to the good old days, the days when Great Britain still colonise the world. We still do, don't we?"

When pressed for the rewards that accompanied being awarded as the World's Slowest Taxi, Mr Chow replied, "Free publicity. We will upload their services to YouTube and let the entire world knows!"

General Manager of the 老牛拉车 fleet, Mr Lau Gu (not related to Mr Lau Ah Pek), said this in his press statement. "We are truly honoured to add yet another trophy to CowShlt Inc. Being Singaporeans, we have long been drilled to target for Number 1 in everything we do. We are just happy to do Singapore and CowShlt Inc proud."

In another related nes, due to the ever rising cost of crude oil, CowShlt Inc will be launching a fuel-saver fleet of new taxis.

Thousands of Devotees Streaming to Offer Prayers to Cow God Tree

2007-11-05T23:09:00.001+08:00

News Flash!

A recent accident along Jalan Gu-yu has left a tree trunk partially chipped off. Residents at this area were surprised to see fresh bark taking the form of a Cow. And after a devotee finally got pregnant after some prayers, thousands childless couple from all over Singapore started flocking to this once sleepy town, offer prayers to this mystical Cow God Tree.

“It was a clear night,” recalls Mr Kan Da Shu, volunteer-caretaker of Cow God Tree, “when I saw a young cow pacing around this tree looking for his Cow Peh and Cow Bu. But with a gush of wind and smoke, the Cow Kia suddenly vanished! The very next day, this holy image appears.”

“We had tried countless times working for a baby,” said Ms Milk (not her real name). “Never did we ever succeed. It was as if that my husband was only capable of planting a seed, but having no fertilizer in my womb for the seed to grow. Mr Kan offered me some black sticky substance after my prayers and instructed me to apply on my tummy. Truth to be told, I was found pregnant 2 weeks later!”

Residents from Jurong West, home to the Monkey God Tree, are naturally furious.
“Why the Jalan Gu-yu people everything also want to copy us one?” questioned Mr Lao Gao, volunteer-caretaker of Monkey God Tree. “We are blessed with the arrival of 孙悟空 and now they also claim to host 牛魔王! What’s next? Some cock neighbourhood declaring the appearance of some 鸡精?!”

The police is presently working with the Resident Committee of Jalan Gu-yu to resolve the heavy traffic congestion.

“My husband used to be backed before sunset,” laments a resident. “Nowadays, waiting for my husband is really like waiting for the Cow to come home leh!”

Open Invitation to Casper's Birthday Bash!

2007-11-01T00:41:00.000+08:00

Casper, executive consultant to CowShlt Inc Netherworld Department, is celebrating her birthday TODAY, 1 Nov 2007! Yes, today! And it is of no coincidence that she was born just 1 day after Halloween. As a display of gratitude towards her constant contributions, CowShlt Inc sincerely invites all Cowlings to celebrate Casper's birthday with the largest party of all time!

Event Information

Date: 1 Nov 2007
Time: 11.59pm
Venue: 死人头坟场
Dress Code: Same as Casper (transparent lah!)

Come celebrate Casper's birthday on the lush, 6-stars 死人头坟场. Indulge yourself in our glorious food galore, proudly sponsored by Halloween Leftover Catering Services. The menu includes delicacies like Pumpkin Salad, Tempura Pumpkin, Skewed Pumpkins, Sweet and Sour Pumpkin, Pumpkin Fried Rice, Pumpkin Soup, and Pumpkin Ice Cream.

And of course, which party can do without games and contest? Lots of prizes await you!

Games and Contest Information

Longest Hair Contest against Pontianak

Pit your hair length against Pontianak. Stand to win a pair of scissors if your hair length exceeds hers.

High Jumping Contest against 僵尸先生

Test your bouncing skill against those of 僵尸先生. His last record was 5m, can you break it finally? Winner walks, i mean hops, away with a pair of boing boing shoes.

Drinking Contest against Count Dracula

Who can finish the most Bloody Marys within one minute? Count Dracula can down 8 in one glurp. Can you swallow that? Stand to win a lifetime supply of drinking straws.

Crawling Out of TV Contest against Sadako

A sheer test of strength and determination! Person who can crawl out from a TV faster than Sadako wins a free ringtone download.

So, Cowlings, hurry and prepare yourselves! Accomodation will be provided tonight! Choose to sleep in our super deluxe single coffin, deluxe twin-sharing coffin, or ultimate quad-sharing coffin. Out resident caretaker, Freddy Krueger, will ensure you get the sweetest dream of your life........

Cow Peh Reviews Movies for Halloween

2007-10-30T23:46:00.000+08:00

Halloween is here again, Cowlings. While some Cows will be busily partying away with their ghostly party animals, some losers, I mean, lonesome Cows, will actually prefer to stay at home.

Not forgetting these lonesome Cows, Cow Peh thereby digs into his library of pirated DVDs, and recommends some of the best horror movies to view during Halloween.

1. The Devil Wears Prada

Storyline:
What can be more horrifying than the Devil himself? The Devil who armours himself with Prada. When the Devil who wears Prada strike, there no chance you can survive. No one has ever successfully struggle himself away from him. In the Devil’s very own words, “Eh eh eh….. You don’t anyhow struggle here struggle there hor. Look carefully here….. Prada OK? Later you accidentally torn my shirt huh, you cannot pay OK?!!”

Horror Ratings: 4 Pumpkins

2. 兄弟

Storyline:
Heavenly Tiger, which has attained sainthood, successfully resurrected 3 fellow tigers from the dead, and thus becoming 兄弟 instead of 好兄弟. There was another tiger, Betrayal Tiger, which chose a much different path and has since left the pack. Rumour has it that he actually stripped his tiger skin and is bent on haunting these 4 tigers, using his multiple award trophies as weapons.

Horror Ratings: 2 Pumpkins

3. 881

Storyline:
An avid gambler went to pray for 4D numbers during the Hungry Ghost Month. 3 digits, 881, rolled out in sequence. Tried as he might, the 4th digit simply refuse to separate from the mass of 10 paper balls. The avid gambler invested heavily on all combinations starting with 881, only to lose everything. He later found out that the hungry ghosts actually wanted papaya instead.

Horror Ratings: 2 Pumpkins

4. Lust, Caution

Storyline:
A couple engaged in some serious foreplay. Just before reaching the climax, they realised they had observed by their kids for a whole 7 minutes. All the passion potion backflowed into the generator, causing a massive explosion. This horror movie aims to warn all parents that when you are overcome with Lust, at least take Caution to lock your door.

Horror Ratings: 3 Pumpkins

5. Your Wedding Day Footage

Storyline:
Your day started earlier than the rooster. You got jostled from places to places. You perform funny acts and drink silly concoction just to get through the door. You empty your 10 years of savings to throw a banquet, only to realise that you don't know 75% of those who turned up. Your stupidity is taped down so that you can re-live your mistake over and over again.

Horror Ratings: 5 Pumpkins

Woman Sues Church of the Holy Cow for Trauma from Exorcism

2007-10-27T01:46:00.000+08:00

A woman officially filed a lawsuit against the Church of the Holy Cow for post-effect trauma she is sufferring from as a result of an "unlicenced" exorcism.

The entire saga started on 29 Feb 2007 at the Church of the Holy Cow. Madam Con Mun Nee, 56, together with her son Mr Jiang Huang Hua and her daughter Ms Jiang Pian Hua, were at the church for a normal prayer.

"It was a Thursday that day," recalls Mdm Con, "and the Toto Group 1 prize money had snowballed passed $2 million. So there i was, at the Church of the Holy Cow, hoping to draw out 6 numbers. I was shaking myself vigorously because the last number simply refused to jump out from the cup. Then suddenly, 2 cows came over, grabbed my hands and pulled me into an exorcism room, claiming i was showing signs of being possessed!"

"My mother was held down by several cows," added Mr Jiang. "We Cantonese like to say you cannot force a cow's head down if it refuse to drink, but this is the first time i ever saw my mother's cow head being pinned to the ground!"

It was known that Mdm Con is seeking $3 million in compensation for the trauma she experienced. "$1 million is for the damage done. The other $2 million is for the loss of chance of winning 29 Feb's Toto!" explained Mdm Con.

Channel News CowShlt managed to get into contact with Father Poke Gai Liao, alleged priest who performed the exorcism.

"We have credible sources that support our claim that Mdm Con was indeed possessed. Our agent has reported seeing her mixing around some ghosts, which our agent claimed as 赌鬼."

When questioned on who is the agent, Father Poke showed us the agent portfolio.

The case will be heard in the District Court tomorrow afternoon. Mr Gu Sai, CEO of Channel News CowShlt, has specially assigned his beloved concubine, Ms Casper, to cover this ghostly event. Stay tuned.

Gu Sai's Apparent Disappearance - Mystery Solved

2007-10-13T02:40:00.000+08:00

Breaking News

Supporters of CowShlt Inc have been wondering high and low on the apparent disappearance of their widely supported CEO, Mr Gu Sai.

"It has been 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours 27 minutes and 48 seconds since i last saw him," commented Milky Cow. "I had been waiting for him for so long until all my milk has run dry!"

"Yah..." lamented Creative Cow. "The Creative Department has been very uncreative lately. I think my brain has already grown moss while waiting for the return of our CEO!"

"And you know what?" chirped in Longkang Cow. "Everyday when i report at CowShlt Inc just to find out that our CEO is not around, my chest falls! Now my monsoon drain has greatly reduced itself to a tiny groove!"

The secret agents from Channel News CowShlt has brought back reports of sightings of Mr Gu Sai from three different instances.

The Bull Run® 2007, Singapore

Mr Gu Sai has been spotted donning his leather suit running around Shenton Way on 12 Oct 2007. It was understood that he was running after a carrot hanging from a stick. He was last seen grazing grass with his fellow cows in the Padang.

The 2007 Ig® Nobel Prize Ceremony, Massachusetts

Mr Gu Sai was publicly seen on stage with Ms Mayu Yamamoto on 4 Oct 2007 to receive the Ig Noble Prize for developing a way to extract vanillin from cow dung. It was reported that Mr Gu Sai actually went on a 48 days vanilla detox diet specially before producing the cow dung for Ms Mayu Yamamoto. Mr Gu Sai was observed to be munching loads of chocolate, presumably for Ms Mayu Yamamoto's next project of extracting choco from cow dung.

Toilet-Shaped Home, Seoul

It was understood that Mr Gu Sai was specially invited by Mr Sim Jae Duck who holds the nickname of 'Mayor Toilet', to officiate the grand opening of his toilet-shaped home. Mr Gu Sai has been Mr Sim's adviser throughout the development of this project. Mr Gu Sai has provided many precious specimens to Mr Sim to ensure that his toilet-shape house is capable of flushing the biggest shlt. However, unconfirmed news also reported of tragedy striking during the final test phase of the project.

"There were quite a few of my co-workers doing the final touch-up of the house interior on that fateful day," recalled Mr Phua Chu Kang, the best contractor in Singapore, JB and now even Korea. "When they were at work, a sudden pile manure just rained down on them. My co-workers have no place to run. Alas, they all lost their lives when they found themselves to be in really deep shit...."

Mr Gu Sai has promised to return to CowShlt Inc as early as possible. But in the meantime, he still have to fly over to Cambodia to bail out his fellow cow which is in police custody for killing motorists.

Channel News CowShlt will bring you the latest news whenever available.

CowShlt Inc Launches New Stress Relief Drink!

2007-10-01T21:03:00.000+08:00

Breaking News

With its competitor launching their Stress Release Milk, CowShlt Inc has taken swift action in launching its very own brand of stress relieving drink – CowsBerg beer!

With the tension in modern society mounting to a new high, city dwellers are constantly in the look for better, more efficient stress busters. One dairy company in Japan has already launched its “super-premium milk for stressed-out adults” at the price of about ¥5000 for a bottle of 900mm.

“We understand that our fellow competitor has already launched their premium milk to relief stress,” said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “However, it is a deliberate move to launch CowsBerg beer only after the launch of the premium milk. Our purpose is to have our customers to spend ¥5000 for a bottle of milk, only to find themselves having no more money for any other else and thus inducing even more stress. I am very sure the launch of CowsBerg beer now is a heaven-sent to them!”

Animal rights activists lauded CowShlt Inc attempt in liberating the Cows. The spokesman from the Movement of Ethical Animal Liberation (M.E.A.L) said, “We at M.E.A.L applaud CowShlt Inc for respecting the working conditions of its Cow. Manufacturer of the stress relieving milk actually milk their Cows once a week at the break of dawn. Imagine of the stress of the Cows to wake up 7-early 8-early just to have their tits squeezed! On the other hand, we observed that CowShlt Inc simply provides a bottle each to every Cows and feed them lots of water, which is really healthy. Somehow, the Cows will make their move behind a wall and when they reappeared, their empty bottles are all filled with CowsBerg beer! We can even hear them heaving, ‘Shiok ah! Shee-fok sai…..’ Imagine their job satisfaction at CowShlt Inc!”

In another related news, it was reported that Singapore’s largest parenting portal, IdoBaby, observed a sudden surge of posting in their Boilers Room. The site owner, Mr You Jinx, has this comment. “I suppose with the large consumption of CowsBerg beer, more people are now peeing on their bedsheet. Our Boilers Room provide the best place in Singapore , JB and even Batam for those consumers to hang their dirty laundry. I foresee a new collaboration with CowShlt Inc.”

Cow Peh Explores New Grassland

2007-10-01T21:00:00.000+08:00

Cow Peh has successfully migrated to his new grassland in Shenton Way after one week of exodus. This piece of grassland on one look differs much from his old piece of land, namely Woodlands, which is definitely more suitable for woodpeckers instead.

What amaze Cow Peh most is how tall the trees on this grassland are. In Woodlands, the trees are at the most 7 canopies high. But the trees at the grassland are all majestic, with some almost poking through the sky. Cow Peh had a hard time locating his designated tree.

Cow Peh's tree is very near to Beautiful Cow and Cow Bu's trees, in fact his tree is smacked right at the centre of their two. But Cow Peh never got the chance to bump into any of them, given the large herds of Cows in Shenton Way . The only person he bumped into was Tua Pek Kong, whom invited Cow Peh to his modest house along Amoy Street . He vaguely mumbled four numbers to Cow Peh, but when Cow Peh tried calling him with the four numbers, the line didn't go through. Cow Peh also wonders why.

The Shenton Cows seems a very different breed from the Woodlands Cows. Woodlands Cows like to don very casual skin, but Shenton Cows looks so much more uptight. By uptight, Cow Peh meant that their upper bodies look very tight. Cow Peh always have a sudden urge for milk after seeing the Shenton Cows.

In general, the grass in Shenton Way cost much more than Woodlands grass. But to his surprise, Cow Peh was still able to find a $2 lunch of rice with three different grass! Cow Peh really likes to munch cheap grass. However, Cow Peh faces one problem - he could hardly find a seat. All the empty seats are mysteriously occupied by tissue paper packs, umbrella and newspaper. Cow Peh tried asking them whether they had finished their lunch, since no food was present in front of them. But all Cow Peh received were cold stares from some fellow Cows.

Cow Peh has ditched his bullock cart at home and now takes the train to Shenton Way daily. Cow Peh finds it a real enjoyment to see fellow Cows pushing and shoving to snatch a seat. He also finds it fun to observe Loving Twin Cows in close proximity. Somehow, Cow Peh's eye power can magically perform surgery and separate those co-joined twins. Although Cow Peh never received any thanks from them, he is contented inside to know that he has once again saved the less fortunate.

Cow Peh is still trying hard to adapt to his new grassland, but he is sure he can become just another successful Cash Cow of Shenton Way. Until then, CowStyle Magazine will continue to provide readers with exclusive full coverage of Cow Peh's foray into Shenton Way grassland!

CowShlT Inc introduces new chain of restaurants with new Slow-Food Concept. Presenting..! COW'S JUNIOR!

2007-09-19T15:39:00.000+08:00

CowShlt Inc celebrates this very day, as the Grand Opening of 69 "Cow's Junior" outlets around the island.

This brilliant idea of a slow-food concept has been converted from thoughts to actions, in merely 72 hours.

CowShlt Inc would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Sau Chew, washroom cleaner at CowShlt Inc Towers, for having difficulties looking for things to do during the balance 45 minutes of his 1 hour lunch break. He had fast food for lunch that day, and it was fully devoured in only 15 minutes.

Bingo.

The new concept of slow food was born. By saying slow food, of course, we don't mean this.

McSlug

We mean this. Cow's Jnr Meal.

What do you mean it's the same as the others?! NO IT ISN'T.

Well, at least the packaging isn't.

What's so special:
Cow's Junior has an inhouse regulation. Patrons have to use a minimum of 45 mins to consume their food in order for their stomach to digest the food properly. Our tummies work the same as cows don't they? We have 4 too.

Of course, to make this opening a success, we did what we had to do.

Homework.

In a time frame of 28 hours and 46 minutes, we have successfully converted one of our competitor's logo to this. This can now be viewed at their outlets islandwide.

And how can we leave out the imfamous "Advertise-KFC-in-MacDonald"s stunt. That was just what we did. We left our official animal right outside another competitor's outlet.

And, not forgetting to introduce you to Cow's Jnr's Official Mascot, who graced today's opening event.

So what are you still waiting for?

Rush down to your nearest 'Cow's Junior' Slow Food Restaurant, purchase a meal & get a Cow Toy FREE**! It MOOoos!
(AA Batteries not included)

** Toys will only be presented after inspection and certification that you took a minimum of 45 minutes to finish your Cow's Jnr meal.

From all of us at Cow's Junior, we look forward to your patronization.

Mr Smiley Celebrates 25th Birthday

2007-09-19T13:00:00.000+08:00

Mr Smiley, or :-) as he is better known from his online moniker, celebrates his 25th birthday today. Channel News CowShlt reporter, Ms Wei Wei Xiao, catches up on him "live" at his bithday bash with this exclusive interview.

WWX ~ Ms Wei Wei Xiao
:-) ~ Mr Smiley

WWX ~ Hello Mr Smiley, it's my utmost pleasure to meet you in person!

:-) ~ :)

WWX ~ First of all, Mr Smiley, congratulations on your 25th birthday! This birthday bash is simply the best i had ever attended!

:-) ~ :D

WWX ~ And it sure must be fun too have so many female fans surrounding you, right?

:-) ~ :p

WWX ~ Actually Mr Smiley, i can't help but notice that you share a striking resemblence to our Chief Editor, Mr Cow Peh, or Newbie as he's commonly known from his online moniker.

:-) ~ :-O

WWX ~ But i find him much more handsome as he is red in colour while you are yellow....

:-) ~ X(

WWX ~ Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!! Mr Smiley you can turn red too!!

:-) ~ ;)

WWX ~ Newbie still cannot turn yellow! You have outdone him by so much!!

:-) ~ :">

WWX ~ So Mr Smiley, after 25 years in the industry, what is your greatest job satisfaction?

:-) ~ :))

WWX ~ You sure seem to be an easily satisfied person, Mr Smiley!

:-) ~ 8-|

WWX ~ Well, it's really nice meeting you today, Mr Smiley. You are such a wonderful person.

:-) ~ O:-)

WWX ~ Any parting shots to all the viewers of Channel News CowShlt?

:-) ~ :-?

:-) ~ :x

WWX ~ Thank you, Mr Smiley, thank you! I'm sure that how all your fans feel towards you too.

:-) ~ :^o

WWX ~ This is Wei Wei Xiao, Channel News CowShlt, "live" from Mr Smiley 25th birthday bash!

:-) ~ :-h

Mysterious Cow Secret Escapade 17 Sept 2007!!

2007-09-18T00:47:00.000+08:00

News Flash!!

Many city dwellers has reported sightings of a strange looking Cow roaming downtown today afternoon. Channel News CowShlt reporting team rushed to the scene real time and brings back first-hand, exclusive report!

The following is the voice recording of Ms Spy The Cow, Channel News CowShlt top paparazzi.

12pm, Organic Restaurant at Stanley Street.

Mysterious Cow is walking into an organic restaurant with a beautiful Cow. Beautiful Cow is so pretty that all the cashew nuts in that restaurant straighten up upon her arrival. I tried to take a picture of Beautiful Cow but her brightness actually exposed the entire roll of film. This is how enchanting Beautiful Cow is.

Mysterious Cow, on the other hand, is in a blood-shot red. Breathing deeply, he seems to be sufferring from extreme hot flushes. Mysterious Cow looks like an exact replication of Red Bull! On closer observation, Mysterious Cow is actually covered with blood!!!

Beautiful Cow: Aiyo dear, faster take this hankerchief and wipe away your nose blood! Your nose has not stop bleeding since the moment you saw me....

Mysterious Cow and Beautiful Cow ordered a huge variety of grass. The waitress is asking if the two of them can finish all food.

Mysterious Cow: Don't worry. I really need more organic grass in order to churn out more organic craps.

It is obvious that Mysterious Cow is really enjoying the company of Beautiful Cow. For that hour, he is surely the envy of all Cows.

1.45pm, Carpark at Amoy Street.

Mysterious Cow takes out his handphone and starts dialing.

Mysterious Cow: Eh dear, free for coffee now or not? What? Need to go find hot chicks for your Cow Boss? Seek help from your sister Ding Dong Cow lah! Her profession now is chasing after birds what! Heard her latest victims were Big Cock and Ku Ku Jiao. I'm sure she has no problem finding some chicks and set them on fire! Hot enough or not??

It is still unknown whom was on the line, but Mysterious Cow is driving off now! Taxi!!!

2.15pm, Cafe at Shaw House.

Mysterious Cow is now walking towards another Cow. This Cow is definitely a milk Cow, given the outlook of her assets!

Milky Cow: It's such an honour to meet you today!
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......

Milky Cow: Erm... Shall i get you a cup of coffee?
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......

Milky Cow: Hello? Are you actually meeting me now or Beautiful Cow?
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......

Milky Cow: Wei....................
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......

What the h.... Oh my gosh!! Milky Cow just released tonnes of fresh milk and flooded the entire cafe!! Mysterious Cow is no where to be seen! I will bring back any news once i gather any update! I truly hope Mysterious Cow can survive this milky tragedy!

This is Spy The Cow,
Live from Singapore,
Channel News CowShlt

Cow Peh Seeks Greener Pasture

2007-09-16T01:46:00.000+08:00

After 4 years 6 months 7 days, Cow Peh finally left his old grassland in search for greener pasture. He has decided to roam around for a week, before stepping into his new grassland.

The new grassland offers the type of grass that is totally alien to Cow Peh. He has never tasted such grass before. Whether his four stomachs are able to digest such grass is yet to be proven. But Cow Peh deeply believes, that as long as he is determine to chew, he is still capable of producing top grade shlt regardless of grass type.

Cow Peh still holds dear memory of the old grassland. It not that the grass there is bad. But just that the fertilizer and pesticides the sherperd uses leave a sour taste in his mouth. The sherperd did a lot of things, which many were not explained. No Cows know what the sherperd is hiding from them, even if the changes have direct impact to the Cows.

The herd of Cows at the old grassland used to enjoy much freedom to roam. Every Cow is closely knit. We call it, the Cow Touch. However, ever since hierarchy kicked in, things become political, and some Cows became sacrificial Cows. Values we held on to strongly disappeared. Some Cows became gray instead of black and white. And whenever those Cows produce sour milk, they secretly change their bucket with the innocent Cows.

The future is unknown to Cow Peh. He is, afterall, leaving his comfort zone. But he is determined to step out, determined to seek his long lost passion, determined to rekindle his spirit in chewing grass. Wiping away tears from his fellow Cows eyes, he bide one by one farewell. Leaving a grassland that he pioneered is actually harder than he thought. But he has to go, as the grass in his stomach is again stirring. So with a powerful fart, Cow Peh flew out of his old grassland, giving a final handshake to those Cows whom send him till the very end.

Cow Peh wishes all surviving Cows at his old grassland their best. Cow Peh remembers their pact. Wait for your referral 3 months down the road, fellow Cows!!

CowShlt Inc Signs New Deal with Health Promotion Board

2007-09-13T10:41:00.000+08:00

CowShit Inc, the top crap provider in Singapore, penned down a new deal with Health Promotion Board (HPB) for this year National Healthy Lifestyle Campaign, tagged "Healthy Mind, Happy Life". The campaign this year aims to "encourage Singaporeans to nurture and look after their mental health".

It was understood that CowShlt Inc emerged victorious among thousands of other service providers. The winning margin was not released, but insider source revealed it was a close fight between CowShlt Inc and Gu-Chi Pte Ltd.

The person behind this service tender, Ms Xun Kai Xin from HPB, spoke to this reporter after being stalked for 3 days 3 nights.

"It was indeed a close fight between CowShlt Inc and Gu-Chi Pte Ltd. Gu-Chi Pte Ltd did a fairly good job during the preliminary assessment, tickling my Global Sourcer funnybone. However, when they tried to finger me, my G Spot was not aroused at all! Huh? What is G Spot?? My Gu-Chi Spot lah!"

The CEO of CowShlt Inc, Mr Gu Sai, revealed to this reporter his winning formula. "I actually have no idea what happened. During the meetup, my laser pointer dropped. All i did was went under the table. Just that at that point of time, i saw some grass like structure between Ms Xun's legs. And being a true blue Cow, i simply crawled over savour the delicacy. When i emerged, Ms Xun was already in cloud nine estacy. I guess making her happy was what this tender was all about."

CowShlt Inc has lined up a series of fun-filled activities during this campaign. Among these activities are short courses and games aimed at teaching people how to be happy. A brief description of the events is provided below.

Short Courses

1. Learn Foreplay in 10 Minutes. Learn how to arouse your interest in your course of work. Rejuvenate yourself back to your optimal performance. Participants with strong fingers or tongue muscles preferred.

2. Difference Between Kong-Cuss, Kong-Cum and Kon-Kar-Kiao. Learn the differences between each level of happiness so you can plan, execute and manage your happiness effectively. The course book, "21 Ways of Saying I'm Happy", will be provided free.

3. The Laughter Workshop. Learn how to laugh at the correct situation. You will be equipped with the ability to differentiate what is "Hor Chio", "Zin Hor Chio" and "Sibei Hor Chio". Master the correct laughing technique and impress all around you!

Carnival Games

1. Throw Shlt at Your Boss. You will finally have a chance to throw our patented CowShlt back to your boss. Have no fear! Our patented CowShlt are all teflon coated, making it non-stick to your hands.

2. Match the Laughter Contest. Match the laughter to the correct animal and walk away with attractive prizes!

3. Laughing Marathon. Laugh for 21 days without food, drinks or sleep. Eventual winner gets a 4 days 3 nights all expenses paid trip to the ultra exclusive CowShlt Country Club.

CowShlt Inc and Health Promotion Board will conduct a joint press release once the details are finalized.

Save The Cows..!!!

2007-09-13T10:24:00.000+08:00

A standard beef slaughterhouse kills 250 cattle every hour.

The high speed of the assembly line makes it increasingly difficult to treat animals with any tweeny bit of humaneness.

It is impossible to have a good attitude toward cattle if employees have to constantly overexert themselves, just to keep up with the line.

Prior to being hung up by their back legs and bled to death, cattle are supposed to be rendered unconscious, as stipulated by the federal Humane Slaughter Act. This 'stunning' is usually done by a mechanical blow to the head.

However, the procedure is terribly imprecise, and inadequate stunning is inevitable.

As a result, conscious animals are often hung upside down, kicking and struggling, while a slaughterhouse worker makes another attempt to render them unconscious. Eventually, the animals will be struck in the throat with a knife, and blood will gush from their bodies whether or not they are unconscious.

Cows are peaceful, sentient beings who deserve the right to life like anyone else.

The next time you stop at a fast food restaurant for a hamburger, please remember the horrendous suffering involved for 15 minutes of your gratification.

What you can do to help:
Wear this sexy lil top the next time you patronize your favourite fast food restaurant.

Mmmmmm... Yummy.

We Welcome Crap

2007-09-12T12:08:00.000+08:00

Internal Circulation to Graduates of Bachelor of Universal Laughing Lesson (B.U.L.L)

Dear Proud Graduates of Ours,

We recognize your contribution to the society after your graduation from CowShlT University, holding a paper in B.U.L.L.

We see you on the papers all the time, shaking hands with governors of different countries - holding the handshake in place while reporters snap their cameras away (and yes, that frozen plastic smile). Ahhhh... These are signs of a CowShlt Member.

We want to hear from you, we welcome your views. If you have anything to say/ any interesting articles to share in the CowShlT Alumni Newsletter, kindly write to us at cowshlt@gmail.com.

If your article is published, we will be more than pleased to send you a "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a CowShlT Inc Kid!" T-skirt and what's more.. 15kg of crap, nicely bundled up and dropped off your doorstep.

We hope to hear from you soon.

Warm Regards,
Ms. Boh Tak Cheh
VP, Alumni Unit
CowShlt Inc., Singapore
废话私人有限公司

CowShlt Inc Pays Tribute to Ms Anita Roddick

2007-09-12T10:33:00.001+08:00

The CEO of CowShlt Inc pays tribute to Ms Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop, whom passed away on 10 Sept 2007.

"Ms Roddick was the pioneer campaigner for environmental protection. Because of her efforts, our fellow Cows have more land to roam, greener pasture to graze, and cleaner water to drink. There is a Chinese saying that went 'You can't force a Cow's head down if it refuses to drink'. Our fellow Cows refused to drink because of water pollution, but Ms Roddick gave us a scent of fresh air.

Ms Roddick was also a keen supporter against animal testing. Our fellow Cows had long suffered under the hands on unethical businessmen, whom will force us into a shampoo, colour our lips red and make us smell like strawberry instead. Our fellow Cows which worked under Ms Roddick were fortunate enough to maintain their black and white colour. Unlike their poor counterparts in some other MNCs, which ended up looking like Barney.

It is a great loss to Planet Earth on the dismiss of Ms Roddick. We sincerely urge The Body Shop to continue with Ms Roddick's vision of responsible manufacturing and ethical marketing."

CowShlt Inc Sees New Business Opportunity!

2007-09-11T11:35:00.000+08:00

With the recent declaration that
Malaysian ambulances are actually health hazards, CowShlt Inc sees a business deal in the making.

Below is the secretly taped conversation between the CEO, Mr Gu Sai and COO, Ms Gu Ni, of CowShlt Inc.

CEO: Do you know that Malaysian ambulances are now considered as health hazards?
COO: Yeah... Looks like a good opportunity for us to venture into the Malaysia market.

CEO: Do we have any ambulance model in mind to sell to them?
COO: Yes. German engine, 4-wheels drive. Environmental friendly with minimum greenhouse gas output. Highest fuel saving ratings in the market.

CEO: You have a picture of the car?
COO: Here.

CEO: Looks good. I'm sure it can withstand some bumpy rides, right?
COO: Of course.

CEO: Apart from the vehicle, we must also provide the manpower assistance.
COO: Don't worry, sir. I have them all ready....

CowShlt Inc Observe A Minute of Silence

2007-09-11T10:36:00.000+08:00

The CEO of CowShlt Inc leads all staffs to observe a minute of silence for the victims of New York World Trade Centre attack on Sept 11, 2001.

Somewhere in time, humanity was lost;
Everything seemed so crazy and wild.
People went insane;
Targetting at the innocents;
Engulfing the world with their crazy flames.
Memories for the victims, recaptured today;
Bearing in mind, their beauty will stay.
Ever so softly, i say a little prayer;
Rest in peace, my innocent friends.

Urgent Service Request from 阎罗王

2007-09-10T11:12:00.000+08:00

Internal Memo: High Importance
10 Sept 2007

Dear colleagues,

I have received an urgent Request for Service from Mr 阎罗王. Apparently, Mr 牛头 has gone AWOL with his weapon on hand while performing his guard duties and Mr 马面 was down with MC after contracting equine influenza. They are therefore unable to discharge their duties of chasing all the wandering spirits back to Hades tonight.

As this is an emergency deployment, i will personally lead this project to ensure we meets the Time to Deliver. Projected completion of this project is tonight, 10 Sept 2007 2359 hours. As such, all staffs of CowShlt Inc are expected to work overtime tonight and dinner will be provided.

Below is a brief discription of the jobs and responsibilities of each department. Respective department heads will hold a separate briefing to spell out the details.

Human Resource Department: Kindly cater dinner for all staffs tonight. Allow all staffs to choose between plain and scented joss sticks for the main course. Desserts shall be the standard strawberry flavoured candles. Free flow of rice wine must also be available.

Account Department: Mr 阎罗王 has paid me in advance with a stack of hard cold cash. However, when i tried using them to buy a can of beer from 7-11 this morning, the cashier threw the money back to me instead. Kindly work with the banks to exchange the money back to local currency.

Engineering Department: To ensure a smooth product transfer tonight, please dig another 3 highways to hell by 2330 hours. Ensure that the highways only allow one-way traffic. And don't forget the ERP gantries. We are charging Mr 阎罗王 on a per head (and thus, don't bother about those ghosts without head) basis.

Debt Collection Department: Please make full use of your special capabilities to locate every single spirit that went hiding. Leave no stones un-turned. Do not attempt to hang any pig head tonight or it will end up and dinner to all the hungry ghosts. Use force instead. If any spirit refuse to co-operate, make sure you make their lifes on Earth a living hell.

Your co-operation to meet the tight project timeline is deeply appreciated. The profits collected from Mr 阎罗王 will be directly distributed to all staffs.

Best regards,

Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc

Australia Cows Gear Up to Take Over Horseracing Industry

2007-09-09T02:14:00.000+08:00

News Flash!!

Millions of Cows in Australia are gearing themselves up to take over the horseracing industry with the recent outbreak of Horse Flu Virus in that country.

The ground in Australia is abuzzed with news that the local Cows are all ready to invade the horseracing tracks with the recent outbreak of Horse Flu Virus in that country. Many Cows were reported ditching their fields in search of glory and the lucrative prizes from the gambling industry.

Mr Cow Money, a resident Cow from New Cows Wales, said to the reporter, "Gamblers always claim themselves to be investors. And to an investor, what is more appealing than a Bullish Market? I am sure gamblers all over Australia will welcome the replacement of Cows over horses on the racetracks."

Another Cow, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "I think the timing is right. We had been undergoing intensive resistence training by pulling bullock carts and ploughing the field. And when once we release the weights, i believe we can really jump over the moon. Hey! That poem wasn't meant as a fairytale OK?!!"

A Sick Horse Imperial Trainer (S.H.I.T), who declined to be interviewed, was heard mumbling to himself, "Those Cows really hit the Bull's Eye this time......"

The Cow's Domestic Union of Non-profitable Groups (CowDUNG) made this statement. "The Cows in Australia generated the most profits for this country. Our products always top the country's export list. We works daily, regardless rain or shine. So, why must the biggest prize be always reserved for the horse which runs for less than a minute? It is time for the Cows to claim back the glory which rightfully belongs to us!"

When reminded about the similar situations faced by the Cows during the spread of Mad Cow Disease, CowDUNG only replied, "That was the time when the people kept squeezing our female workers breasts. It will be their time to get mad when they start squeezing their own balls when watching our bulls race."

British Cows Stage Major Protest

2007-09-06T09:49:00.000+08:00

Thousands of Cows were observed marching down the streets in northern Britain in protest of the government's decision in allowing the creation of human-animal embryos.

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) decision to allow creation of "cytoplasmic" embryos, which merge a tiny bit of human DNA with eggs from animals such as cattle has greatly angered the Cows community in Britain. A female Cow, under the condition of staying anonymous, spoke to the reporter.

"This is plainly inhumane. I cannot imagine myself going to bed with a human. I mean, compare the satisfaction i get from my bull boyfriend to a human. You seriously think any Tom, DICK or Hairy can fill my hole, i mean, spiritual hollowness?"

The Committee Of Workers Private Engagement Network In Singapore (C.O.W.P.E.N.I.S) specially sent a delegate of 200 Cows to Britain to support the demonstration. Its spokesperson, Mr Niu Bian said, "Human beings have longed been known for performing heinous acts just for their own kinky pleasure. Reproduction has always been a missionary act from Mother Nature. But human beings bent nature and adopted doggy style instead. And now, they even want to attempt Cow style!!"

Another group of foreign delegates from China's Mainland Industrial Lactation Kongsi (M.I.L.K) chirped in. "人类实在太不像样了! 我们已经长期被人类欺压, 太久太久了!! 人类喝光我们的牛奶, 穿走我们的牛仔裤, 甚至还发我们的牛脾气! 我们受够了!"

It is unknown how much longer will the demonstration take place. According to internal sources, the British government has already deployed batches of Beefeaters, including the first female Beefeater, to maintain order. A secret conversation between two Beefeaters was overheard. "Thousands of Cows out there. We are Beefeaters. Yum yum......."

As of press time, the Cow Madness continues.

News in Brief

2007-09-06T00:01:00.000+08:00

CowShlt Inc Inks Casino Deal with Stones

In response to the opening of Venetian in Macau, CowShlt Inc decided to co-develope an even bigger casino with Las Vegas Sands biggest rival, Las Vegas Stones. The new casino is slated to be built on CowShlt Inc latest acquired island, MaCow.

According to the CEO of CowShlt Inc., Mr Gu Sai, the new casino will have "everything bigger than Venetian". Mr Sai said, "In our new casino, instead of being served by those fragile Bunny Ladies, patrons can expect top-level services by our patented Cow Ladies. To ensure the no patrons get drunk, we will serve fresh milk instead of beer. Simply enquire for a glass from our Cow Ladies. Freshness and satisfaction guaranteed! If the patron requires more, a Cow Lady upsize is always available!"

According to internal sources, the new casino will be aptly named Cash Cow Casino.

Wa-Cow Primary School - Coloring Contest

2007-09-05T14:55:00.000+08:00

Wa-Cow Primary School
Newsletter - Volume 1

A coloring contest was held school wide for the 500 school children in Wa-Cow Primary School.

The principal of this school, Ms. Ma-cow organized this competition as she noticed that children in her school practically had nothing to do other than exchange flash cards, marbles and play zero point everyday.

Ms. Ma-Cow has coordially invitied CowShlT Inc's Cow-Peh & Cow-Bu as Guest Judges.

Below are the most commonly heard statements throughout the judging:

Cow-Bu: "This seems too edgy.."
Cow-Peh: "There is no feeling at all.."
Cow-Bu: "This gives me goosebumps"..
Cow-Peh: **Throws up**

As the guest judges had no other better picture to choose from, they finally chose 2 pictures that's closest to the products of their company.

Well Done Wa-Cow Primary School, and the Champion with a case of Split Personality, Mai-Cow!!

CowShlt Inc Offers Perfect Solution to Mahathir's Worry

2007-09-05T09:38:00.000+08:00

Press Release

5 Sept 2007

Malaysia ex-Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mahathir, has expressed concern of "IDR falling into S'pore's hands".

CowShlt Inc sincerely propose itself to become the major working partner of Tun Dr Mahathir in addressing his concern.

First and foremost, CowShlt Inc should become the main developer of IDR. By developing IDR, CowShlt Inc will actually plant all our resources in place. Then there will be no more space for the Chinese that Tun Dr Mahathir dreads so much. Tun Dr Mahathir can use our recent invasion as reference.

Apart from this, CowShlt Inc will provide maximum security against illegal instruders. Our Special Task Force will provide 24 hours around the clock prowling services. Click HERE for our testimonial video.

With the above measures in place, we are confident that the IDR will be completely free from the Chinese that Tun Dr Mahathir so dearly detest. Beside, no other company can provide Tun Dr Mahathir with as much shlt as CowShlt Inc for him to throw at Singapore.

We sincerely invite Tun Dr Mahathir to call 1800-CowShlt immediately. We will be pleased to talk to him until the Cows come home.

Your sincerely,

Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc

MNCs VS COWS

2007-09-04T22:55:00.001+08:00

WHAT DIFFERENT MNCs DO TO 2 COWS:

AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have

COWSHIT INC CORPORATION - We eat them. Life is simple, Life is good.

This blog does not represent the views of CowShit Inc. It was simply an overflow of crap juice, at 10.59pm. So we masturbated.

Signing of with Lotsa Juice,
Cow-Bu

The Infamous CowShlT (silly) Jokes

2007-09-04T22:45:00.000+08:00

Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator

Q: What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A: A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!

Q: Where do cows go on their space vacation?
A: The moooooon!

We love our color cause Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Why doesn't the people at cowshlt inc have any money?
Because everyone.. freakin milks us dry!!

Cow Story, and Other Animals Too.

2007-09-04T13:48:00.000+08:00

In a small little farm, there lived an old couple without kid. Even though they were poor, they were happy.

The old couple only had 3 assets - a Cow, a pig and a hen. Unknown to them, there was actually another occupant in their humble little hut, a rat.

One fine morning, the rat was finally discovered by the old man. To capture the rat, the old man made a mousetrap himself and placed it on the kitchen floor, where the rat was most likely to appear.

Their actions were observed by the rat. Fearing for its own life, the rat went around begging for assistance to remove the mousetrap.

First, the rat went straight to the Cow. "Mr Cow, you are the biggest and strongest among us all. Please! Help me remove that mousetrap!" The Cow replied nonchalantly, "Little rat, that is YOUR trap and has nothing to do with me. Now, will you please go away while i continue manufacturing CowShlt Inc raw materials?"

Feeling disappointed, the rat scurried over to the pig. "Please, Mr pig. Your master laid a mousetrap in the kitchen. Please help me remove it!" The pig completely ignored the rat and continued its long afternoon nap.

Without any choice, the rat approached the hen with its crest fallen. "Ms Hen. I wonder if you will be kind enough to help me remove the mousetrap." The hen gave a chuckle and sneered, "My precious body is for laying the golden eggs. Not to remove mousetrap for you dirty little creature!!"

Unable to secure any help, the rat resigned its fate and hid into a corner.

Darkness fell. The old couple retreated to their bed. But just minutes after resting their eyes, they heard the mousetrap snapped. Believing that they caught the rat, the old woman proceeded to the kitchen to clear the mess.

Unaware to the old woman, the mousetrap actually caught the tail of a snake. When the old woman went into the kitchen in darkness, the wounded snake sprang its fangs and bit into the old woman's calf.

The old woman's wound got infected. She came down with a high fever the very next day. Without money to summon any doctor, the old man did what he thought was best. He slaughtered the hen to make Chicken Soup for the Wounded Soul.

However, things didn't seem to get any better. So the old man proceeded with Step 2 the next day. The pig had no choice but to donate its liver, spleen, bones, meat and whatever other bodily parts that it had.

Unfortunately, the old woman's condition took a dive and died that night. Neighbours were summoned to gather at the old man's place to assist with the funeral. Having so many people helping out, the old man must at least serve them some food. And there goes, my poor distant cousin, the Cow.

The rat, witnessing all that happened, could only shake its head and pondered aloud, "If any one of you would had just helped me removed that mousetrap, the four of us would still be happily playing mahjong together now....."

Disclaimer: All personnel and events mentioned above are strictly fictional. Any similarity to any person, whether dead or alive, are purely coincidential. No animals were harmed during the formation of this story.

CowSh|t Inc Fully Supports Andy Lau's Latest Album!

2007-09-04T08:46:00.000+08:00

Internal Memo

All staffs of CowShlt Inc are strongly encouraged to purchase the latest album from our unofficial patron, Mr Andy Lau.

一只牛的异想世界

By listening to this album, you will therefore be able to learn from a real superstar on the ethics of being a cow. All staffs will recite the lyrics of 我是一只牛 as their daily pledge with immediate effect. The office PA system will also play this album non-stop, 24/7.

All staff who purchased the ORIGINAL copy of this album will be entitled to collect my signature on the album cover.

Best regards,

Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc

Sh|tty Joke

2007-09-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

Child Fly: Mummy, i hate eating Shlt for every meal. It's so monotonous....

Mummy Fly: Don't talk about such filthy subject during meal time!! Come, faster finish your meal while it is still warm!

CowSh|t Q&A

2007-09-03T23:03:00.000+08:00

Question: Why does the Cow cross the road?
Answer: Because the grass is greener on the other side.

Question: How many Cows does it take to change a lightbulb.
Answer: Unknown. The Cows only know how to cow-peh-cow-bu about the lack of lightings, but no concrete action is taken.

Question: What is the name of every Cow's favourite National Day song?
Answer: Cow On Me, Singapore.

Question: Why do people count sheeps instead of Cows to go to sleep.
Answer: Because they cannot find their Cowculators.

Question: What's the most common feeling when a new staff join CowShlt Inc.?
Answer: Cow-tural shock.

CowSh|t Inc Recruitment Exercise!

2007-09-03T22:49:00.001+08:00

Dear fellow colleagues,

The following positions are available at CowShlt Inc. Please do your best to introduce the best people to join this big family. Introducer of all successful candidate will get a year of unlimited supplies of CowShlt mechandise.

1. Global Sourcer / Buyer

To source and purchase the best CowShlt from all over the world. Get the chance to interact with the supreme CowShlt developers.

2. Quality Assurance

To check and ensure all CowShlt are in tiptop quality when leaving the factory. To validate that all CowShlt are in perfect colour, texture, moisture and smell. Taste testing is optional.

3. Creative Director

To design state-of-the-art CowShlt. Access to unlimited R&D CowShlt resources. To ensure innovation and maintain the company's market leadership in CowShlt distribution.

4. Facility Manager

To pick up whatever loose CowShlt that were left behind.

Interest parties, please call 1800-CowShlt immediately for an interview!

Best regards,

Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc.

Foreplay.... Erm, i mean, Forewords........

2007-09-03T14:33:00.000+08:00

If what CowSh|t Inc said doesn't make any sense to you, it probably doesn't have any.

Why? Not happy huh??!!